Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Chop It Off

Imagine with me. The beach. No one around in either direction for miles. A strong, cool breeze brings the fresh, salty smell, blowing your hair back from your face. As the sun sets, the water somehow holds the light for a few minutes, glowing with a faint radiance all its own. The sound of the waves is constant, soothing. The sand underfoot is soft and warm, countering the chill of the breeze.

Nope, dangit, my head still hurts. So much for meditation. Okay, well, I can't try the Romanian folklore method of getting rid of headaches (prohibited under doctor's orders), but here's what else I found:

1. Get a cabbage leaf and wrap it against your forehead with an ACE bandage. First, however, crumble it up and rub the juice onto your wrists and behind your ears.

Also functions as a perfume, provided your love interest REALLY likes cabbage. If you are going out, wear a flapper-style dress and use a sequined headband instead of ACE bandage. Everyone will be in awe of your fashion-foward sense of style.

2. Crumple fresh lilac leaves and hold them against your forehead for as long as needed to alleviate pain.

Guaranteed to work after three days.

3. Drink half a glass of freshly juiced potato juice.

It will take you so long to figure out how to juice a potato, you will have forgotten your head even hurts by the time you get around to drinking it. And, if you remember, the taste of the potato juice will be enough to convince you that headaches really aren't so bad, after all.

And, if all of those folk methods fail you, you can always go directly to the source of the pain and CUT YOUR HEAD OFF.

Unfortunately, I am fresh out of both guillotines and axes, and I have yet to find someone willing to help me.

I guess I'll go buy some cabbage leaves.

Monday, September 15, 2008

I Want

The other weekend we were driving through downtown San Diego. We live in a popular area for homeless people--they'll never freeze to death or overheat, and people are wealthy and generally generous. So, it was no surprise to see a dirty and disheveled man standing on the side of the road holding up a sign made out of cardboard.

What was surprising is what the sign said. None of the standard, "Homeless and hungry, please help," or "Homeless Vet," or even "Help--homeless--mother of four." No, this guy was far more honest. His sign said:

I want a harley.

First I laughed. Then I wondered if maybe he got more money for sheer creativity. Then I wondered what I would put on a sign if I were standing by the side of the road.

Perhaps

I want a minivan.

But let's be honest--no one wants a minivan. I want a just plain mini, of the Cooper variety. I need a minivan, unfortunately. So that's out.

Maybe

I want a house.

But even people in really nice cars rarely have those on hand. And that's one of those things that will happen eventually, regardless of the generousity of strangers.

I know!

I want an agent and a three book deal.

Sweet. I'm gonna go make my little cardboard sign RIGHT NOW. I'll let you know how it goes.