Wednesday, June 20, 2012

U.N.I.C.O.R.N.S.

"This emergency meeting of U.N.I.C.O.R.N.S. is called to order. Unicorns Neighing In Cooperation Opposing Ridiculously Nitwitted Slander recognizes the President of the organization, Moonlight Majesty."


"Ahem. Thank you. I'm very pleased to see such a large turnout. The plush unicorns are excused, on account of being irreplaceable on Tiny Adorable Daughter's bed. I think you all know why we are here. The slander slung in our direction, against our holy and prestigious generations of magic, by one Kiersten White is no longer tolerable. She has a new book coming out in a mere month that--I have on good authority--has a scene with unicorns so repulsive and erroneous that we can no longer look the other way."


"Wait, the rest of you can look another way? Because my head doesn't turn."

"It's a figure of speech, Flora Glory. But look at us! We are not the dumpy, malodorous creatures Ms White throws in for comic effect. Why, even Lavender Dreams, in all her cheap plastic styling, is far more attractive than anything that horrible author describes in her ridiculous books."


"Thank you! Umm. I think." 

"You're welcome. Now, I see we have some new recruits to our ranks today. Though I must admit their manner of style and dress does not carry the same level of magical wonder we unicorns aspire to."


"You wanna start something, Sparkles?"


"Because last time we checked, we're the only ones with wings!"

"Psh. You are nothing but stylized approximations of traditional splendor!" 


"YOU WANNA GO, LEGS? LET'S GO! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW."

"Stop! This is madness! You see what that author has brought us to? Squabbling and infighting, distracting us so she can continue her smear campaign against the entire breed, winged or otherwise. We must unite! ALL OF US, TOGETHER. SHE CANNOT WITHSTAND SO MUCH HORNED EQUINE FURY!"


"We are majestic! We are magical! WE ARE U.N.I.C.O.R.N.S.!"

"Oh, hi guys! Is this the meeting for unicorns?"


"NO PONIES ALLOWED. I specifically told you guys not to tell the My Little Ponies! As if Punk Rock over there wasn't bad enough, now I have to deal with these cartoon monstrosities? You are to the long and proud history of unicorns what Edward is to vampires--nothing but empty sparkles!"

"Ahem. What do you have against Edward?"


"Nothing! Nothing at all! Love him, and his creepy little baby! So glad the Ponies could make it with their tall, tall, tall friend. Excellent. Let's talk strategy!"

"Pardon me, I don't mean to be rude, but we reserved this space."

"And who are you?"


"S.A.D. Supernatural Animals Depressed. We're a support group for those of us not cool or funny enough to make it into this really great series of books. Maybe you've heard of them. The last one, ENDLESSLY, comes out soon, so we're all feeling quite blue."

"Oh, for the love. Bleep. Forget it. Let's go watch Twilight."

41 comments:

ashley said...

Best. Blog. Ever.

heidikins said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaaa! Hahaha! Ha! Hahaha!

Commence heidikins laughing herself to death.

xox

Gjertrud said...

I just love this!

Clare said...

EPIC! Glad to know I'm not the only "adult" who still plays with toys.

Jazmin said...

THIS WAS AMAZINGLY EPIC!!!

Josin L. McQuein said...

You are a wonderfully, wackily, warped writer woman. :-D

Vi Nguyen said...

I have no idea what's going on here, but I love it! :)

Astolat said...

So many unicorns, so much awegreat.

Kiersten White said...

Vi, no worries, I never know what's going on, either.

Ranee` said...

I am so glad I found someone new to stalk. Love this. :)

States of Decay said...

The awesome power of unicorns! <3

The blindbox Tokidoki unicorns are the b3st! I have the one with the afro and the plushie of the white one with pink hair :)

PegasusZ said...

Hahahah!!! This post sounds similar to the conversations my brain has with me.

Katie Savidge said...

Kiersten once again you are amazing! that really did make me chuckle even more so than the ridiculous movie that is Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter now that was just plain weird but oddly good at the same time

Ruby97 said...

Oh, WOW, Kristen. You have done it again. THIS IS AWESOME! How did you even come up with U.N.I.C.O.R.N.S? Because thats awesome too! :D I wish you good luck against those tiny little things! :)

Stephanie Perkins said...

Hee hee hee! Oh, I love it!!!

Team Unicorn, all the way.

Suzie F. said...

And this is why I felt compelled to follow you 2 years ago.

Robin Weeks said...

Wait! Your books don't have two-headed dragons? Say it isn't so!!

Jess said...

THIS is why I will read every book you ever write. And that's a pinky promise.

Makayla Anderson said...

Why aren't the ponies allowed?!?!

Tara said...

And this is why you are a genius.

Amber Clites said...

Best. Post. Ever. LOVE.

Book me! said...

God, I love you Kiersten White! =) "You wanna go legs?"
Just out of curiosity, where did the new recruits come from, my daughter would love them?

Kelly said...

I love it. It made me laugh a lot & you're a genius for coming up with this, Kiersten. :)

Rebecca T. said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! This is the best thing I've seen all week! BEST. THING. And now I REALLY REALLY can't wait for Endlessly. *waits in bookstore for book*

Laurence King said...

Very funny!!!!

Kami said...

HILARIOUS!! I love how big Princess Celeste is compared to the others.

Kris (Imaginary Reads) said...

Hah! I love this U.N.I.C.O.R.N. business. I wonder what they would have done had you barged into their sacred meeting of REAL unicorns.

David James said...

"Now, I see we have some new recruits in our ranks today."

Hysterical. I vote for a U.N.I.C.O.R.N.S. Part Two wherein Lavender Dreams meets Pound Puppy Cheap Trix and they reenact a particular scene from True Blood.

CT: "Lavender, you are mine."

Kathleen said...

Lol! This was awesome! Now, where can I get those unicorns? Hmm? Google provided no info and I MUST HAVE ALL THE UNICORNS!

Heather Faesy said...

Cracking up now. Thanks!

The Story Queen said...

Hahahaha, love this <3

To have the chance to explore your brain...

Kiersten White said...

These are the funky unicorns: http://www.tokidoki.it/shop/toys/unicorno-mini-series.html I buy them at Barnes and Noble. For my daughter. Not for me. FOR MY DAUGHTER. Ahem.

Brooke said...

Oh.My.Goodness.

Best post ever.

mj monaghan said...

That post is hilarious. Love the My Little Ponies insertion.

Sorry I don't have any chocolate for you. :(

Donna K. Weaver said...

This is awesome! I'm so glad Suzie F spotlighted this post on her blog.

Melissa said...

Best post ever! I love your sense of humor!

Jillian Schmidt said...

Ahhhhhahaha! This post will have me laughing for a long time. "I specifically told you guys not to tell the My Little Ponies!" Genius.

Madalina's Books said...

I love this unicorns :))). They are funny and they watch Twilight :))). OMG, who knew sparkling Edward has such cute fans. I guess the white one is team Jacob.

Lynette said...

LOVELOVELOVELOVE!!! <3

E.B. Black said...

One of my friends collects unicorns and owns some of the unicorns in these pictures.

Sam said...

I loved reading this post! It made me laugh so much, Kiersten you are such a funny lady
~ Sam

http://love-sami13@blogspot.com.au