Monday, April 2, 2012

Teen! Drama!

Teen! Drama!
An Original Television Series
by Kiersten White

Season 3, Episode 12: Because We're the Good Guys

ANNOUNCER GUY
Previously on Teen! Drama!, everyone was in love with everyone else depending on the episode, but as usual you are only supposed to be invested in CARA and HOT GUY while also wanting CARA and SMOKING HOT COUSIN (HOT GUY's cousin, because the show isn't THAT edgy) to finally GET IT ON in something other than a dream sequence. Also it was revealed that HOT GUY and SMOKING HOT COUSIN are half-kraken, doomed to forever shoot ink out of their hands at inopportune times, and thirst after the tears of mortals, sucking them dry.

Ext. Scene: Random Alley that could be anywhere but that careful observers will recognize was used in several key exposition scenes in past seasons, because alleys are infinitely conducive to plot progression. It's in the rules.

SIRENA
Finally, I get the screen time my vampy overacting deserves!

VILLAIN DU JOUR
No no, we don't vamp on this show. We're ocean-themed paranormal creatures.

SIRENA
But all mid-twenties hotties.

VILLAIN DU JOUR
Of course. One cannot be evil without also being blisteringly hot.

SIRENA
Our show kills off more hotties in a single episode than most shows get in a whole series! Speaking of, have we captured CARA yet?

VILLAIN DU JOUR
Why do we need to capture her again? Please remind me and also the viewers who were so distracted by my perfectly sculpted hair and abs.

VILLAIN DU JOUR makes his shirt dissolve, the special power of male sirens because having sexy voices is so three centuries ago.

SIRENA
Because she has the Precious Tears of Preciousness, the mythical salt of which will forever secure the power of the ocean, rendering us impervious to harm. After all, the only point of immortality is securing even more immortality.

VILLAIN DU JOUR
Are her Precious Tears of Preciousness also why all the guys on this show fall in love with her?

SIRENA
No, that is because of her shiny, shiny hair. Her tears are just a bonus.

Int. Car scene, with CARA and PLAIN FRIEND driving down a dark road in a FORD BRAND, four-wheel drive with all the options. CARA is troubled, as is obvious by the swelling tones of emotional indie music.

CARA
I don't know what to do. I love HOT GUY, and I will always love him--

PLAIN FRIEND
Because you two were together for like three months, during which you broke up no fewer than five times?

CARA
Exactly! But it was at the beginning of the show, so it means we are The Couple. But anyway, since we had to break up after he sucked all of the tears out of my mom--

PLAIN FRIEND
Where IS your mom?

CARA
We killed her off in season two because she wouldn't stop harping on the fact that she was only two years older than me. Can we please just focus? As I was saying, after HOT GUY's crazy tear bender that killed half the population of the town, of course I had to break up with him. Even though he only went off the deep end to protect me.

PLAIN FRIEND
He tried squirting ink over your eyes so you wouldn't see him like that. Even when he is overcome with his dark Kraken side, he cares about you.

CARA
That was thoughtful of him. But also really gross. And after he left town to lure SIRENA away, SMOKING HOT COUSIN had to protect me and my crystal tears, and we've gotten really close.

PLAIN FRIEND
What IS so special about your tears, anyway?

CARA
When I cry, my mascara never runs.

CARA demonstrates by staring out the window and letting perfectly beautiful tears streak down her face, which is neither red nor puffy.

PLAIN FRIEND
You're right, that's mystical. But your life sucks. You have to choose between two super hot guys who can and will do anything to protect you. My last three boyfriends died as minor plot points. Also my mom. And my sister. And anyone who has ever been important to me. And all of the plot points that killed them swirled around you.

CARA squeezes out several more crystalline tears.

Int. sleek, modern apartment of HOT GUY and SMOKING HOT COUSIN. A huge fish tank features prominently across the length of an entire wall. SMOKING HOT COUSIN is filling his mandatory ten minutes of shirtless time as contractually obligated. HOT GUY is holding out until the end of the episode.

SMOKING HOT COUSIN
You know Sirena is planning something.

HOT GUY
Yes. I am not sure why we are having this conversation.

SMOKING HOT COUSIN
Because we need to keep CARA safe at all costs.

HOT GUY
Because you want to make out with her.

SMOKING HOT COUSIN
Because I want to have the inky depths of my soul redeemed by the purity of her tears of love.

HOT GUY
While making out with her.

SMOKING HOT COUSIN
Obviously.

HOT GUY
We should go check the alleys.

Ext. Alley of Plot Progression. WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX comes out carrying trash bags with his bulging biceps. This week he is once again working at Cool Teen Hangout, which is apparently where this alley is located.

WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX
Oh, hey SIRENA. Is some supernatural violence about to go down? Because I can take out the trash later.

SIRENA
I think you should stay.

SIRENA employs the full power of her hypnotic siren eyes. WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX is grateful to have something interesting happening to him for once, instead of having to listen to CARA talk about her dating dilemmas.

HOT GUY
Unhand that innocent teenager!

SIRENA
What do you mean, innocent?

SMOKING HOT COUSIN
We won't let you hurt him in order to get to CARA! We'd kill him before we let you use him to hurt Cara!

WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX
...wait. How is that better?

SIRENA
He has a point. Why is it bad if I hurt people to get the things that I want?

CARA and PLAIN FRIEND enter the alley and stumble upon the confrontation.

CARA
Because you are BAD!

SIRENA
Because I hurt and kill people to protect my own best interests.

CARA
Yes!

SIRENA
Please refer to the scripts from seasons one through three and count the bodies left in the wakes of your two boyfriends. Also yourself. And PLAIN FRIEND. And WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX.

CARA pulls out bundles of paper and starts flipping through them. Finally she throws them to the ground.

CARA
Look, I can't do that kind of math under this pressure. Not with everyone staring at me. But the fact remains that your violence is evil, and our violence is necessary!

SIRENA
Because why?

PLAIN FRIEND
Because she has such shiny, shiny hair.

SIRENA
Right. Although my hair IS--

TOKEN BLONDE
Nobody has better hair than I do. Why am I not the main character?

VILLAIN DU JOUR
Where did you even come from?

TOKEN BLONDE kills VILLAIN DU JOUR.

CARA
See? Necessary! She's still on Team Good, because she only kills to protect the sanctity of my tears.

SIRENA
Whatevs. I need to run away now to find some previously unmentioned UBER BAD GUY with all sorts of backstory that in the three seasons of this show has never been so much as alluded to. Perhaps he will be a shark, and we will all jump him.

SMOKING HOT COUSIN
I've got a mortgage to pay. Keep the crazy storylines coming.

WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX
You know, guys, I think she may have had a point. Why is she evil for killing people in pursuit of her goals, whereas you all get a pass for lots of killing because, at the end of the day, you love CARA?

CARA
THE HAIR, WHBTNE. LOOK AT MY HAIR.

WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX
Right. Sorry.

21 comments:

Musing Novelist said...

This is hysterical! Thank you for the laughs. :)

-Christine from Arizona

Mae said...

That is hilarious XD

Debra Driza said...

Hahaha, I'm not even sure what this is all about, but I'm sort of in love with Token Blond and Precious Tears of Preciousness.

#yayfortherandom

=D

Chelsea said...

My sister and I died laughing over this. Kinda of reminded me of Vampire Diaries a bit.

We polietly request more :)

Broken Angel said...

I totally agree with Chelsea. I can see The Vampire Diaries in this. It's just that they're vampires. And these are sea monsters. So they're totally different, right? ;D

Casey (The Bookish Type) said...

"but as usual you are only supposed to be invested in CARA and HOT GUY while also wanting CARA and SMOKING HOT COUSIN to finally GET IT ON"

At first I thought SMOKING HOT COUSIN was CARA's cousin and I was very, very, very confucerned. (That's a combo of confused and concerned, for those who don't speak portmanteau. And who have never seen the word before because I just made it up.)

@Broken Angel -- And they're COUSINS, not BROTHERS -- so yes, totallllllly different ;)

Kiersten, have I told you lately how shiny your hair is? :D

C. Issy said...

This made my morning! Thank you for posting this, Kiersten!

Erin Bowman said...

You are amazing.

That is all.

<3

Rebecca T. said...

I can't even handle how hilariously RIDICULOUS this is! Definitely need more!

"TOKEN BLONDE
Nobody has better hair than I do. Why am I not the main character?" hahaha! And the tears of Preciousness? Priceless. You're amazing :D

Suzanne said...

Yes, I too thought that Smoking Hot Cousin was Cara's cousin... I figured he must just be REALLY hot and went with it. Pretty sure that says something about me. Something icky.

Magan said...

I heard this got picked up by the CW.

Inky said...

You made me have some LOL time. Oh that's fabo.

PLAIN FRIEND
What IS so special about your tears, anyway?

CARA
When I cry, my mascara never runs.

This is why I read your blog. :D
Thank you for the laugh!

Leigh said...

Freaking high-larious. Seriously. This should get made into one of those Extranormal videos. I would be at a loss as to how to do that but someone should. (hint) Someone!

BTW, the last time I did a comment form the word to prove I was not a robot was Reths. Two of them! Yikes. But also a little yum.

Anonymous said...

This is usually what happens when the introduce a bunch of new characters on TV, those are the names that I think they're called. "When I cry, my mascara never runs." XD

Makayla <3

melissa @ 1lbr said...

Can't wait for another episode. All that smoulder between CARA and her HOT GUYS who are all in love with her because of her shiny, shiny hair. Doesn't get better than the snark.

Lacie J. Archer said...

OMG! I need more of this! Must know what happens to WHBTNE, and if HOT GUY and SMOKING HOT COUSIN have to duke it out for CARA's Precious Tears of Preciousness XD

Kate said...

I would of so paid to read this!!! And then paid again and again to read it multiple times!!! Thanks for the entertainment!!! And making me laugh really, really hard!!! :) :) :)
This is exactly why you'll have a very, very long career as an author. :) I am buying and reading all your books no matter what they're about. :)

Claire Dawn said...

If Dawson's Creek and Twilight had a baby...

Jus sayin'

Mike said...

Love the drama. Wanted to read what had happened before, then realized - it didn't matter.

Dena said...

HAHAHA!!! PLAIN FRIEND: "My last three boyfriends died as minor plot points. Also my mom. And my sister. And anyone who has ever been important to me. And all of the plot points that killed them swirled around you."
Okay, seriously DIED LAUGHING!!!!!! Poor PLAIN FRIEND!!! SOOOO true of so many teen dramas!

I want to peruse the scripts from the first three seasons! Post THOSE!!! HAHAHAHA! :D

Emma Michaels said...

LOL. I love this so much. <3