Monday, April 23, 2012

Becoming a Bestseller

Today I thought I'd address just what, exactly, being a New York Times bestselling author changes.

It's a little touchy of a subject to address, because the whole system is a bit...well, let's just say some books hit when other equally (or more) deserving books don't, and no one is ever quite sure why. So, please know that I am not trying to brag. Many books I consider superior to mine do not have the distinction of being official bestsellers. I don't think it makes me better than anyone else.

It DOES, however, have some impacts, and I wanted to talk about those today to sort of break through some of the myths and explore what it really means to your every day life to be a bestseller. When I found out that PARANORMALCY had hit the list, meaning I could forever have NYT Bestselling Author attached to my name on the front of books, I really couldn't sleep for about a week I was so excited and overwhelmed. I've had some distance (and another bestseller) since then. Here's what I've discovered:

Every Day Life Changes After Hitting the List
  • My hair is shinier and also grows faster
  • My immune system is so robust I actually cure viruses in others merely by proximity
  • Calories only count for half, so I can eat twice as much of what I love
  • Bills pay themselves out of deference for my creative needs
  • Sinks don't clog, tires don't go flat, dust doesn't collect on surfaces
  • Pandora Internet Radio has finally realized I don't actually like Coldplay
  • Papers no longer collect on every available surface of my counters demanding I sort through them and figure out just what exactly needs to be kept and what needs to be thrown away
  • My kids no longer wet the bed or wake me up in the middle of the night
  • Netflix always has the movies I want to watch on instant play
  • My favorite television series never get canceled
  • I always make green lights
  • Whichever line I pick at the grocery store is always the fastest, no matter what
  • Facebook, as a courtesy, automatically prevents people from sending me all of those #&$^@% game requests
And finally,
  • The first pair of pants I try on while shopping always fit perfectly, every single time
However, lest you think everything is sunshine and rainbows (which, incidentally, it only rains when I want it to now), here is how my writing life has changed:

Every Day Writing Life Changes After Hitting the List
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There you have it! How life changes after earning the bestseller distinction. Hope that was helpful. If you'll excuse me, I have to go admire my shiny, shiny hair, while hoping this synopsis writes itself.

22 comments:

(Helen) Kiaya said...

Your favorite shows never get cancelled?? BRB, becoming a bestseller, because that's DEFINITELY a plus. ;)

Delia said...

Seriously, what is it with Pandora and Coldplay? I swear, they are on every single station no matter how many times you hit the thumbs-down.

Roy Hayward said...

Wow! If I could stop the game requests on FB, that would really be worth it.

(Do you think that you can cure this in others like your immune system cures viruses? If so I will bring my laptop to your next book signing in Utah!)

Toni said...

Wait, you can make it rain when you want? Does that mean you can stop it too? That would be handy. That cure thing is pretty cool too.

Kimberly Sabatini said...

Love this!!!!

Kari said...

I apparently need to become a best selling author so I can find pants that fit without going through 10 pairs...

Thanks for the laughs :-)

Anita Saxena said...

You are hilarious and yet honest. Thanks!

melissa @ 1lbr said...

You don't like Coldplay? What?? I don't know if I can read your books anymore. :) (Oh, ok I can. You've convinced me.)

Suzie F. said...

LOL! You made my day!

Sarahbotbonkers said...

Yay! For this fabulous post. So refreshing and fun!

Kristin Rae said...

love it :)

Sheepa said...

So THAT'S how it works.


Damn.

Joy D. Fanning said...

Nice to know all the things we thought would happen really happen!!!!

;)

Small Town Shelly Brown said...

I've heard this before but I thought it was just a rumor.

Michelle said...

Kiersten, you have the best sense of humor (humour?) ever!

Of course, you're still loving your washer/dryer, right?

Amy said...

I absolutely love this post! Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Bahahah GIGGLE SNORT this is why you're a fabulous writer lol

Jeigh said...

This gives me an entirely new motivation for writing. No more papers on my counters? DONE.

patdwhite said...

and your dad loves you more.

Carmen Esposito said...

I have something to look forward to - long, shiny, well-behaved hair. My hair is more like Hermione Granger's on a good day. Thanks for giving me something to look forward to. I will show my kids this list and say: "see, it's true, it does happen!"

Musing Novelist said...

I'm loving that list of life-changes. :)

Rachel Morgan said...

And I bet your laundry does itself too, right? How fantastic. This list has certainly cleared up some things for me! ;-)