Thursday, January 12, 2012

A Night in the Life

Kiersten and Hot Stuff, sitting downstairs, though more accurately collapsed on the couch and the floor, respectively.

Nayna and Dojo, upstairs, brushing their teeth.

Dojo: Screams. "Nayna brushed her teeth first! It was my turn!"

Kiersten: "It doesn't matter!"

Dojo: Yells even louder, working himself up to a fit, which often ends in puking.

Kiersten: "Fine! You can brush your teeth first the rest of the week!"

Nayna: Anguished wails and sobbing.

Kiersten: "You go up."

Hot Stuff: Wisely does not move.

Kiersten: Stomps up the stairs. "WHAT is going on?"

Nayna: Mournful wailing. "You said...I can't...brush first...ever again!"

Kiersten: "I didn't say that."


Nayna: Heart clearly broken clean in two by this incredible injustice, continued sobbing.

Kiersten: "Tomorrow! He gets to brush first tomorrow!"

Dojo: "NO. EVERY DAY."

Nayna: Will never recover from the trauma.

Kiersten: "Two days! You get to brush first for two days!"

Nayna: Already desperately in need of intense therapy sessions to heal from this.

Dojo: "Nayna, I'm never playing with you again!"


Nayna: A thousand Care-Bears watch from the clouds, crying in sympathy to her tender feelings irreparably shattered.


Kiersten: "Did she hurt you? Did she take something away you can never get back? Did she say something mean?"

Dojo: "No."

Kiersten: "THEN IT IS SILLY."



Nayna: Sobs. "I just." Sobs. "You can't." Sobs. "It'll mess up the SCHEDULE!"

Kiersten: "YOU ALREADY MESSED UP THE TAKING TURNS SCHEDULE. THAT'S IT. IF YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO FIGHT OVER THIS, TOMORROW NIGHT NO ONE GETS TO BRUSH...their...teeth DANGIT I CAN'T EVEN TAKE THIS AWAY FROM YOU." Realizes that her kids have picked something to fight over that she literally cannot take away from them. Final tenuous grasp on control has officially dissolved.

Kiersten: "From now on everyone brushes their teeth at exactly the same time, no matter what, FOREVER." Realizes she has become her father, who used to make the same ridiculous statements in an effort to keep things fair. Realizes there are worse things to be, since her father is an amazing guy.

Nayna: Quietly devolves into sniffles.

Dojo: "Snuggle time!"


Dojo: "Also, I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet."

Kiersten: Gives up.

Dojo: "Nayna, come for snuggle time!"

Nayna: Resolved to wallow alone. "No."

Dojo: "But Nayna! Snuggle time is filled with LOVE!"

At least we've got that going for us.

(If that wasn't enough Kiersten for your day [and really probably it was too much], the longest interview I've ever given is up over at VOYA's website, and oddly enough also includes an anecdote about brushing teeth. Only this time the story is about me, and the time I accidentally brushed my teeth with...well, you can read it.)


Vicki Rocho said...

This is hysterical! You can't make stuff like this up. My favorite line: I'm feeling all sorts of snuggly right now. That should go on a T-shirt except it sort of changes meaning when you take it out of this context.

Steph Schmidt said...

Wait wait wait...they fight over who gets to brush their teeth first? I feel like I grew up in a weird household now since I'd have to brush my teeth at the same time as my sibling.

Also how does one drop a toothbrush into a toilet?

Chelsey said...

Oh gosh. That is FANTASTIC. My nieces used to get into fights like that about flossing, and even though I was basically the same age as them I thought it was RIDICULOUS.

Clearly I have no siblings my age.

Christine Rains said...

Hilarious! We have to use all sorts of tricks just to get my son to brush his teeth. At least your kids want to do it!

L.L. said...

I'm sure it wasn't fun at the time, but I do have to say that made my day. Thanks for sharing your little kids' moment... I think I probably tortured my mom in similar fashion.

Delia said...

Oh *wipes tears* Oh dear lord. *catches breath*

Thank you. My kids have this exact same argument over who walks up the stairs first. I have the exact same reaction. (While my husband wisely stays the heck out of it.) I'm so relieved I'm not alone.

midnightblooms said...

O_o How do you do it? My kids fight over who brushes their teeth LAST because none of them want to do it. Do you have like magic rainbow flavor toothpaste or something? WHERE DO YOU GET THE MAGIC TOOTHPASTE?

(Also, I'm relieved I'm not the only mom who tells her kids when they are having a silly argument.)

Sandra Tayler said...

"Also, I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet."

This is my favorite internet quote for the day. Thanks for the laugh in the middle of a morning filled with contracts.

Jennie said...

I am dying at my desk over this. Such a true representation of parenting.

Liz said...

BAhahaha! I'm dying here! Hysterical. I hppe my daughter gets a sibling just so I can have experiences like this.

Katie said...

This is one of the funniest stories you've written xD

Karen Adair said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. This is why I'm grateful to have multiple sinks in the house. Of course I have multiple children to go with all of the said sinks. Thanks for the great laugh today. :)

Jessie Oliveros said...

That was hilarious. Especially the care bears part. Kids are just so wonderfully irrational. My son freaked out the other day because he discovered he could feel bumps on his head. I tried to tell him that was normal.

NeuroHormone said...

Your kids want to brush their teeth. The future dentist in me is all happy. :D

Amy Moran said...

This is priceless.

It reminds me of when I got a call at work from my daughter's first grade teacher. I was working 60-hour weeks and she calls to tell me that my daughter has been reading during reading group. I had to bite my tongue so hard it bled.

What am I supposed to do? Ban my child from reading? Sometimes we are powerless against the absurdity.

Anthony said...

Bwa ha ha ha! Kids, you gotta love them.

Caroline Starr Rose said...

Oh, yes. The corners we talk ourselves into (and the ridiculousness of the topics). Ours often revolve around who is supposed to shower first (NOT a popular slot).

Melissa said...

Soooo glad to hear of the 'silly' arguments that go on in your home! We are not alone, yay!
Once my son had exasperated my then pre-teen daughter with his brotherly annoyance that she asked if 'he had to breathe', why yes darling daughter, yes he does!

Don't you just love that they always want hugs after, when you least feel like them? My 13yo daughter does this to me all the time!

I hope Nayna was won over by the love and snuggled!

Liesl Shurtliff said...

This sounds very familiar. Recently I started making them stick their noses together and while listening to "Love at Home." It's particularly torturous if they haven't brushed their teeth. BWAHAHAHA!

Robin said...

Time to buy new toothbrushes.

lora96 said...

oh my gosh this is hilarious! (obviously not if you were there--I got sucked into arguing with a seven year old today in front of the rest of my class of gaping seven year olds who i'm sure realized I COULD NOT WIN).

The care bears weeping was my absolute favorite part. That sounds evil when I put it that way, like I want cuddly cartoon characters to sob...oh never mind.

Indigo said...

Ha! You managed to make me miss my daughter being little (23 isn't so little anymore). I'm smiling so big now. Kids come up with some of the strangest things to fight over. (Hugs)Indigo

Jess said...

Where is the like button on this thing?

dothutchison said...

My brothers and I used to fight like this over candy at the movie theater, because whoever went first got best choice and of course we couldn't have the same kind of candy as anyone else. My mom actually wrote the Mars candy company to thank them for coming up with a third kind of M&M just so she could say we were all having M&Ms- plain, peanut, and peanut butter. XD

Heather said...

Loved the interview as well as the story :)

Steph Sinkhorn said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MAN. I love kid stories. I mean, it does not sound like it's that fun to live through. But it makes great entertainment later.

Rachel Pudelek said...

I feel you girly! It seems every morning at my house as the kids are getting ready for school, some sort of dispute or attitude is acted out and I ALWAYS end up playing the drill Sgt.!

Kate said...

Hahaha!!! I love the silly things kids fight over. They get all upset and you're like. "really in five years this won't even cross your mind as being something to possible get bothered about."

Amie said...

As a mother of four, I loved every word of this. My favorites were, "DANG IT I CAN'T EVEN TAKE THIS AWAY FROM YOU" and realizes she has become her father..." Oh yeah! And the part about the Care-Bears. You're just so hilarious!

Megs said...

Ha ha ha ha! That totally made my day! Thanks. :)

Jordanne said...

awwwwwww! Terribly cute!
Also, amazing interview! BUT, you forgot to mention your incredibly gorgeous shiny hair in the best attributes part. Just saying. :)

The Story Queen said...

Hahahaha, oh I have tears of laughter in my eyes. Thank you for that! Your husband clearly got the best role in this whole thing.

Janiel Miller said...

Thank you for reassuring me that my kids are normal. Or that your kids and my kids are warped. Or that both sets of parents are in need or therapy. Or . . . never mind. I'm not reassured at all.

On the up side, this is hilarious and I've sucked up enough good-air that I can go out and be a better mom now. Probably.

readerfreak22 said...

Wow it sounds like my house. My little sister and brother fighting over silly things! Is it always like this?

Kim Aippersbach said...

Hee, heee, heeee . . .

My kids are now 18 and 12, and they still have fights like this (but with fewer toothbrushes dropped in toilets).

I figure they're now old enough to hear the terrible truth: "You're right, it isn't fair. It's because I love him/her more than I love you."

In the end that's what the fights are all about.

(My kids get that I'm being sarcastic. They do. Because sarcasm is such a great parenting technique.)

Annalise Green said...

So, this was one of the funniest things I ever read. Reminds me of when my brother and I used to fight over stupid stuff. It always seemed like the end of the world back then!