Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Transformers: Snark of the Moon

Don't have three hours to watch the mind-numbing mind numbingness that is Transformers: Dark of the Moon? No worries! I've got the whole movie covered for you right here.

Giant Robots That Have Incredibly Advanced Technology They Can't Think of Anything Better to Do With Than Hang Out as Big Rigs and SUVs and Fire Trucks:

We are putting these metallic phallic-imagery devices all over the world to change it into Rusted Metal World. Physics need not apply, because we are above physics. We can change into cars, which clearly makes us the most advanced species in the universe. Anything that can change into cars can violate all laws of physics. But we still need a variety of stupid accents.

Good Giant Robots That Get Their Metal Butts Kicked Until the End of the Movie When Suddenly They Remember They Can Punch the Heads Off of the Robots Previously Winning:

No. There are only eight of us, but we will fight these hundreds of our Robot brothers to protect humans. Because...because...because...

Tiny Pervy Robots Who Hate Women:

COMEDIC RELIEF DISTRACTION!

Skeezy Guy Who Is Serving the Robots Taking Over the World and Killing Humanity Because That Always Works Out So Well, but Who Still Has a Soft Spot for the Victoria's Secret Model Doing Ads Through the Whole Movie:

They are putting those metallic phallic-imagery devices all over the world to change it into their world. Right there, where I am pointing. That's the MOST IMPORTANT PLACE. And they can change into cars, which clearly makes them the most advanced species in the world. But I hook them up, so they're not going to disintegrate me. Stick with me. Also stand still because the camera is going to do a long, panning shot of your body.

Victoria's Secret Model:

*ACTS*

Good Guys Who Can't Do Anything but Run and Hide in the Face of Giant Robot Attacks Except at the End of the Movie when Suddenly They Are Very Effective Fighters:

They are putting those metallic phallic-imagery devices all over the world to change it into their world. They can change into cars, which clearly makes them the most advanced species ever and we are totally screwed. Except for that kid from Even Stevens. He can probably fix all this.

Victoria's Secret Model:

Are we underestimating our audience's intelligence level by repeating every key "plot" point at least three times?

Michael Bay:

Who let the body talk?

Victoria's Secret Model:

Nevermind. I can see we are perfectly estimating our audience. Has anyone mentioned that they are putting those metallic phallic-imagery devices all over the world to change it into their world?

Even Stevens:

Guys! Everyone is questioning what the point is involving me in all of these Very Big Things! And they are right, I really have no purpose! But I'm going to run a lot and be flung through the air constantly to prove my worth! Can someone please fling me through the air now? I do my best acting when I'm being flung through the air!

Victoria's Secret Model:

I'll just stand here for my camera shots while everyone repeats the plan several times, in case the audience forgets that there, the tower, the one with light shooting up out of it, that is the target. The tower. With the light. And the phallic-imagery devices. In the tower. With the light. The one we need to blow up. And...POSE.

All of the Guys:

We will be given weapons and BLOW STUFF UP.

Victoria's Secret Model:

I will be given no weapons, but I will run. And scream. And be put in peril.

All of the Guys:

We will BLOW STUFF UP. And do some punching! WITH WEAPONS.

Boring Semi-Truck Robot:

I have lost my arm, which will trigger nightmares in parents everywhere, who understand just what a pain in the butt I am to put back together when my limbs pop off and their children start crying.

Victoria's Secret Model:

I will contribute by emasculating the Decrepit Robot who has a Piston Envy Complex, because girls can only fight back by using our sexuality to manipulate. It even works on Robots.

Michael Bay:

I am not a misogynist.

Audience:

Just shut up and blow everything up so the movie will be over already.

EVERYTHING BLOWS UP. A tattered flag waves, because nothing says PATRIOTISM like giant, all-powerful merchandising.

I mean robots.

The end.

35 comments:

Melissa said...

Wow that was even better than the movie!!!

Kiersten White said...

Just had this professional moment of fear--what if someday Michael Bay wanted to direct a movie of one of my books? Then I remembered all of my books feature strong, proactive female protagonists. I think I'm safe.

IsaiahC said...

I had a similar fear when I reviewed the same movie on my blog. Then I realized that Michael Bay wouldn't want to direct a story he couldn't inject sex into, especially one without stereotypical ethnic roles. So I'm also safe. (BTW, here was my review. http://www.isaiahcreates.com/2011/07/lust-of-steel-michael-bay-sells-sex-and.html)

Shannon Whitney Messenger said...

*dies laughing* That's it, you are in charge of writing all of my movie reviews from now on. First request: Breaking Dawn. ;)

Paul Anthony Shortt said...

I really enjoyed the movie, but had to restrain myself from laughing in the middle of my office as I read this. :-D

Marthapao said...

I am laughing so hard at the boring robot with no arm part giving parents nightmares because that is exactly my life!! I hate those dumb robots especially the big level 5 ones that take an engineering degree just to transform!
Funny also that I do enjoy the mind numbing effect the movies have, I do need that sometimes. :)

Michelle Levy said...

victoria's secret model:

*ACTS*

i am dead of laughing. thank you for this.

Bryan Russell said...

I think you should write the fourth movie.

TRANSFORMERS 4: REVENGE OF THE PHALLIC SYMBOLS

A Michael Bay/Kiersten White Production

Lydia Sharp said...

This is how you make money in Hollywood. Sad but true.

LinWash said...

Hilarious! And it explains why the first movie was enough for me.

theemptypen said...

I never saw the movie, but now I kinda feel like I have. Thanks. Move over Cliff's Notes...

Annie said...

HA! I had never walked out of a movie until Transformers. Also, THIS:

"Michael Bay:

I am not a misogynist."

Because only boys played with Transformers in the 80's. *snarls*

Tasha Seegmiller said...

Please oh please do this with other movies. This made my day.

Still laughing.

Tara said...

don't forget:

*slow motion helicopter flies by screen at end*

he uses one in every movie lol

Ems said...

Best. Movie. Synopsis. EVER.

I'd love to see your take on pretty much anything else!

lora96 said...

Oh the fabulous. This made me laugh. A lot. And Michael Bay is sooo a misogynist. Obvs.

You get extra karmic points for "I do my best acting when being flung through the air". Perfection. As a woman forced by her dh to watch THOR while nine months pregnant and be expected NOT TO MAKE FUN OF IT i appreciate this deeply.

Stephanie Perkins said...

Anna Oliphant just gave you a high-five.

Kingswood Park Relief Society Additional Meetings said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
melissa @ 1lbr said...

I'm so glad I read this. It's much easier than wading through three hours of it (especially the parts with Victoria Secret's Model). I used to LOVE Even Stevens. Too bad his best acting involves being flung about.

odonfiction said...

Your worst fears are confirmed.

Remember how I said someone reached my blog by searching "Evelyn from PARANORMALCY naked"?

That person was Michael Bay.

CUE LENS FLARES, EXPLOSIONS.

heidikins said...

@Bryan Russell.

YES! Please!

xox

Maegan Langer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maegan Langer said...

Ha ha! Well done! I liked the last Transformers movie, but I liked this even better. More, please!

Matthew MacNish said...

Sadly, I took my daughter to the first one of these, because I remembered the cartoon fondly from my youth, but the robots moved so fast I couldn't really tell what was going on. I haven't seen the others.

Mia said...

OMG. Perfect sum of the movie...
Loved it! And, it was SPOT ON GIRL. Seriously, why didnt they give that girl a gun or somthing? Like, really? SHE and Even Stevens atracted the transformers like magnets. (literally)
And im pretty sure he was flung into the air at LEAST 4 times in the movie.
Thank you!

Megs said...

Ack. SO TRUE. For some horrible reason, we had to watch the movies, but every time I thought, "I'm never seeing one of those again!" And then I did. And regretted every minute. Liked the score, though; there's some good music if you tune out the explosions...

The Story Queen said...

Thank you for that detailed plot summary! I realize that I no longer need to bother myself by actually watching the movie, as you have done such a bang-up job of desribing it for me.

Just BTW, are you contracted to write the script of the 4th movie? You clearly have a flair for Hollywood movies.

Sonia

Brigitte said...

that movie was so disappointing. i honestly think michael bay is getting a little old. maybe retirement would be good for him forever. -_-

Annie Oldham said...

Ha ha :) I really didn't want to watch it, but I think hubby did. Now I think I'm free :)

Calyn Morgan said...

The fact that you refer to him as Even Stevens is by far my favorite part.

Kate said...

Hahahahahaha!!!!
The sad thing is, when my friends dragged me to the theater on the day of its release I was the only one out of us five that actually did follow the plot line and I was talking most of the time. "Oh wow, did you just see that total cliche moment?! Oh you didn't? Well don't worry there will be a repeat of it any second. . . :)
(I'm not sure what "me being the only one that can follow the plot line" says about me. . . or my friends. . .) :)

Amber said...

I was juuust talking with people last night about how disappointing this movie was. I just can't get past the fact that they were in a falling over (wait! Not anymore! ... oh hang on, yes it is, nevermind) tower for nearly a half an hour.

This was a bad three-and-a-half hour movie. It could have been a decent hour-and-a-half movie.

Jackie's Little World said...

I haven't seen any of the Transformers movies and this post confirms that I've made a good choice. :-)

Nimue said...

As I read enormous amounts of books every year I buy a lot of books as well. Unfortunately mailny for me as my close friends don't really read. Very disappointing.

But for Christmas I got my mother some books about patchworking and quilting. I hope this counts too. Otherwise she is reading through my whole library (~1200 books which are stored at her place at the moment), which is kind of a present as well.

Thanks for this opportunity,
Nimue
endlessly.bookish (at) gmail.com

Bahnree said...

Accurate summary is accurate. I felt sorry for the Victoria's Secret Model, though. I felt like she knew just how bad the movie was and how completely stupid the lines coming out of her mouth were.