Tuesday, June 7, 2011

In Which My Hands Are Out of Control

In case you never get a chance to see me speak in person, I thought I'd give you a little glimpse into what it looks like. Basically, my hands are OUT OF CONTROL. People always comment on how I talk really fast, or say things like, "Sorry guys, sparkle tangent..." But what they don't tell you (because it is so scary they have blocked it from their memories) is that my hands turn into creatures with minds of their own and creep and shimmy and flail while I talk.

Sometimes the gestures make sense. For example, in the following picture I am probably saying, "I know, you guys thought I would be this big, didn't you? Not quite!"

 Actually I was talking about my first literary crush, Martin the Warrior. Who happened to be a mouse. Don't judge, he was totally hot.

In this next picture I am pretty sure my hands had completely taken over and I was actually asleep while my hands made threatening, scary gestures at the audience. These I can only interpret as, "YES, WE WILL LEAD THE ZOMBIE REVOLUTION. JOIN US OR DIE. ACTUALLY JOIN US AND DIE."

 I have no idea what on earth I was really talking about that could have justified this hand gesture. And my dad said of the forty pictures he took, my eyes were closed in thirty-eight of them. It's a talent of mine, really.

Fortunately I'm short enough that many of my hand spasms are hidden behind the podium, but those wily little rascals always try to find new ways to pop up. In fact, while I wasn't looking (because I was too busy answering a question about whether or not Lend would be in the sequel [answer: no, because I didn't want any flirting or kissing and Supernaturally focuses entirely on Evie doing homework and studying for the SATs]) my hands actually snapped my favorite pen in half. "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU TRY TO CONTAIN US, KIERSTEN," they said. Well, I mean, more or less, since they don't actually have mouths.

"Yet. You mean we don't have mouths...yet."

Still, you work with what you've got, right? Which is why if you ever do get to see me in person, I'll have my nails painted a funky color. If my hands are going to take over, they might as well take over in style.

(And for the record, many wonderful people showed up both for my speech and my signing. It was awesome, and I was super happy to meet them. Not as happy as my hands, but then again, those things are caffeinated even when I'm not.)

(Speaking of hands, thanks for letting me put a ring on yours nine years ago, Hot Stuff. So glad yours are the hands my weirdo hands get to hold for the rest of our lives.)

17 comments:

BrittLit said...

Uh oh, sappy alert round 'bout the bottom of this post ;) That was a truly horrifying post. If one day I wake up with hands at my throat(with fun nail polish) and no one in sight, I will know that they are your hands and that they have finally liberated themselves from the rest of you. Thank you for the stuff of nightmares...

Kate said...

Yeah, so my hands pretty much do the same thing, I even wave them randomly while talking on the phone when the other person can't see them! I did however take two years of ASL (American Sign Language) and I have found that this has helped control them, or at least when I start waving my hands around when I talk beware I might actually be saying something and you just have no idea!
I think keeping them busy is the key, but if you force them to do things that they don't want to do, they punish you by making both of your wrist ache real badly! Like seriously, half the time I think they are actually trying to pull themselves free from the rest of my body! And I'm sure that if they do sometime brake free from me in the middle of the night, the first thing they will do is jump unto my bookshelf across from my bed and start painting themselves with the rainbow of nail polishes I have displayed there. I have tons of nail polish, but ironically I don't paint my nails, I'm afraid if I do that my hands will be so proud of their finely decked out nails that they will have ultimate power and the world will be doomed to complete destruction forever!
Oh and if your scared now, I better not mention that's just the potential my hands have, we haven't even talked about my brain running round wild yet! :) Oh and imagine if my brain and hands hocked up once they broke free! Aaaahhh! Although sometimes I'm worried that my brain may have already broken free, I think it must take walks sometimes. Like last night, when I asked I little five year old boy if he was turning six next birthday. My mom was like "well I hope so. Where is your brain?" And I honestly didn't know.

Rachel Pudelek said...

Funny post. I'm glad you had a great turnout. Whenever my dad used to preach, he'd try to control his hands by hiding them in his pockets. Funny this is though, he kept his loose change in his pockets, so when you listen to the recordings of his sermons, you hear coins clinging against each other because his hands still wouldn't stop moving! :)

Jessie Oliveros said...

Ha! Don't you love those pictures that catch you at the odd moments? And I love that your dad was there taking 40 pictures of you. Happy Anniversary.

Kristen said...

wait, wait. Lend ISN'T in the sequel? WHAT?!

Nicole Zoltack said...

I'm so with you! I talk with my hands all the time, and yep, the hand gestures don't always make sense.

And that was so sweet, the last end part of the post!

Kiersten White said...

Kristen--Nope. No cute boys at all, because I simply HATE writing flirting. Hate it. Will do anything to avoid it.

Or, wait, will write entire books just to have a few flirting scenes...

Hmmm. Perhaps I wasn't serious about leaving Lend out of the book.

Megs said...

Ha ha, too funny (and so true...;)). I'm sad I missed it! :(

Happy Anniversary! (9 years, what?!?)

Amber Clites said...

Such a funny post, especially since I'm a hand talker as well! Happy Anniversary!

Kathryn Packer Roberts said...

See the subtle craftiness of how Kiersten gets us to now want to read the second book even more now that she mentioned there will be no Lend! bwahahaha.

How can you not like flirting scenes??? =) I don't put much flirting in my books either, but there has to be SOME romance.

I guess now I will have to go guy SUPERNATURALLY and find out how much SAT work really does go on there.

PS. Are they 'studying' together?

hmmmm.....sure. I get it. *wink*

Jeigh said...

I didn't notice the hands! Of course, I was eating a giant, drippy chicken taco wrap and hoping desperately that you wouldn't notice and that I wouldn't drip salsa down the front of my shirt. I did enjoy the sparkle tangent, though.

Happy anniversary, too. I'm coming up on nine years myself. No, not myself. With my husband.

lora96 said...

I think the hand gestures are cute. But then my problem with having my picture made is that i am usually laughing. honestly when i made our wedding album I actually captioned one page "The Bride needs to CLOSE HER MOUTH for the pictures" since you could see like all of my teeth even my molars.

Jordanne said...

Ahaha, those hands of yours....hope I DO get to seem them in action some day!!! Hopefully with your nails painted in a funky cool color like you said...or maybe, you know, you should just go ahead and paint your whole hands...can you imagine how mesmerizing that'd be?! Oh, also...I LOVE MARTIN THE WARRIOR!!!! I have ALL THE BOOKS. My sister used to make little clay figures of the characters to make battles with a friend of hers...she
never let me join...and AWWWWW. I really hope I find myself a nice, tall, "Hot Stuff" one day. Or, you know, a Lend. 'Cause either one would be fine with me :D

Whirlochre said...

You sure stroke a Weird Invisible Pet.

Kristen said...

trickster.

my poor blood pressure...

meredith-rose said...

I tried to get a picture of you holding the Supernaturally Arc. In all five pictures I took, the book is blurry. *sigh* AND the microphone was in front of your face. Picture FAIL!

But I know about hand flailing. I'm Italian. You stop my hands and I can't talk anymore. So I learned ASL. Now my random flailings actually MEAN something! (sometimes). I suggest learning sign. ;p

Meredith :D

The Weed said...

If this day was, indeed, your anniversary then you and I married our spouses on the exact same day nine years ago. If you got married in the SLC temple, that means you're probably in my wedding photos (which are pre-digital and CRAPPY, for the record) or I'm in yours.

Destiny is saying something. I'm not sure what, but it feels important.