Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Writing to Trends: My Next Project!

So, after reading this interesting blog post by agent/author Mandy Hubbard on what editors want to see, I've decided to scrap everything I'm working on and instead create the ultimate trend book. It will be the trend to end all trends, and take publishing by storm. And not, like, drizzling storm. Like, 2012-without-John-Cusack-because-I-can't-afford-him storm. Pretty much it will signal the end of publishing because after this book there will be no more books because there will be no point.

Ahem.

Introducing my Contemporary Sci-fi Dystopian Horror Ghost Mermaid Romance, told in second-person future-tense (with bonus environmentalist undertones to make me a shoe-in for the Printz award), You Will Die in Infinite Darkness!

And, because I love you, here's an excerpt:

You will wander, forlorn and cold in the wake of a dream eternally shattered. You will feel as though someone reached outside the impenetrable, soulless metal walls of the spaceship and siphoned the freezing blackness of space directly into the spot that your love used to inhabit. Your heart will be worse than your cryogenically frozen social revolutionary boyfriend Xadam, because after you throw yourself at its mercy, the Society might reanimate him, but it will never reanimate your heart.

You will come to the bridge, lost in memories of his hands in your hair, his tender embraces, his childish laugh, his impossibly green eyes. Everything in your life had always been cold and metal, just as the Society would have your soul be. But Xadam, not Xadam. He was your own personal sun, the star to which your planets aligned. He will never be yours again. You will want to sink into the bowels of the ship, to meld your body to its unforgiving beams, to sustain life without having life of your own.

You will be drawn by music you won't notice you hear until it is too late. It will be empty, too empty in the control room, the iron-fisted Society ship rulers somehow missing. You will start to ponder this, but you won't be able to for long, because you will see something that pushes all other thoughts from your spinning brain.

You will see a mermaid.

She will be combing her ghostly locks on the bridge of the forsaken ship, her lips full and blue, the lights from the console blinking through her. She will float as though on the memory of water, and you will be drawn toward her like the pull of the tide in the ocean your people contaminated and destroyed. The ocean you will never swim in. The ocean that claimed the life of this mermaid. You will remember horrible authors who wrote about mermaids and did terrible things to them, and you will weep. You will want to go to her, want to drown in her depthless eyes. But then you will notice that her comb is made of delicate fingerbones, too small to be from an adult. You will reel in horror as you think of the nursery level of the ship--unlocked, unguarded. Her gaze will turn from the tide to a whirlpool, rippling with terror and death.

You will scream. A lot.

You will stumble back, race and trip and crawl on bloodied knees through the labyrinthine hallways of the ship that was to be your life, but will now be your tomb. You will cry and shake, longing for Xadam's strength, but you will not stop though you know your efforts are futile. Xadam wouldn't want you to stop. You will run for his memory, for the person he was before the brutal re-education of the Society. You will not run fast enough. You will never run fast enough, because there is nowhere to run. The siren song of the ghostly fishwoman will haunt your every step. You will sob.

The vast empty black of space inside and outside of you will not care.

Then you will have your scream muffled as a strong hand clamps down over your mouth and everything fades into darkness...


So, there you go! The future trend to beat all trends. Editors, feel free to call me and let the bidding war start immediately.

44 comments:

Artemis Grey said...

Best. Trend. Ever. Well... right behind my zombie-mermaid-fallen angel love triangle dystopian trend...

Angela Felsted said...

"Introducing my Contemporary Sci-fi Dystopian Horror Ghost Mermaid Romance, told in second-person future-tense (with bonus environmentalist undertones to make me a shoe-in for the Printz award), You Will Die in Infinite Darkness!"

I laughed so much I squirt milk from my nose.

NotNessie @ Today's Adventure said...

I will laugh all day. Thanks!

Thuyanh said...

Holy crap! I actually really like it! You should turn that into a short story!

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

LOL. Totally funny.

Rosalie Lario said...

Lol. I want this story! Desperately!

Ru said...

You will see a mermaid.

Oh jeez, you crack me up.

nicolekrell said...

Oh man, I already had my storyline all planned out, but now you've gone and stolen my thunder. Thanks a lot, Mz. White.

Oh wait, no. Instead of mermaids, my story includes sirens, so it's all good.

Tessa Conte said...

You gotta love trends....

kathleen duey said...

I am going for second person past tense, and first person far future, two protagonists in alternating chapters.

Actually, I might be serious about that.... but it certainly sounds like I am joking!

(Thanks for the blog. So true. Trends are...trends.)

Melissa said...

"You will see a mermaid" "You will scream alot" love this lol!

Gina Blechman said...

haha. this is fantastic, thank you, thank you for posting it. My favorite line: "You will scream. A lot." lol. It reminds me of one of those deep voiced, over dramatic, horrible narrators to some horror flick or commercial. nicely done.

<3 Gina Blechman

Kathryn Packer Roberts said...

This was very inspirational. Mind if I use some of it in my vampire vs. aliens and witches book? I'll just replace the spaceship with a forest surrounded by a high wall with zombie's sitting on it, watching the action/fight scenes. Two of them will be making out, of course. But I may need a dead mermaid in there somewhere. That would be awesome. Until Little Red comes and kills her off with her wicken voodoo. =)

Just A Girl said...

So glad you didn't steal my idea of a middle grade male protagonist in a transgender zombie romance!!

Becky said...

Nice, I laughed so much while reading this :)

I would totally buy/read this story though. :)

Sophia Richardson said...

I would so read this. It's got action and broken hearts and ghost mermaids with combs made from fingerbones-- what's not to love?
- Sophia.

jacqulinecarrera said...

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant. That made my day.

Artemis Grey said...

The E-book version should be voiced by the guy who does the Dos Equis commercials...

a eberting said...

Oh my gosh! You are a genius! Didn't think I'd like it, but it was amazing! Actually got into the story!

Steph Sinkhorn said...

Brava. BUT DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE ABANDONING YOUR YETI-LEPRECHAUN ROMANCE????

Brooke said...

You have a flair for this. I'm with Artemis on the Dos Equis guy!

Melanie Jacobson said...

Yeah, Dos Equis dude has my vote, too.

And I'm really glad you're going to write this because fiction needs more fishwomen.

Daisy Whitney said...

You did do mean things to mermaids!

Tracey Neithercott said...

I love the new trend you just created. I might have to jump on the bandwagon. I want my own Contemporary Sci-fi Dystopian Horror Ghost Mermaid Romance, told in second-person future-tense, knockoff story to make it before the market's saturated, which will probably happen fast considering the brilliance of this trend.

M.E. Summer said...

I don't suppose you could throw in some horses? I love a good horse story. And make it a musical. Then you'll have a winner. ;-)

Tymothy Longoria said...

Oh, my...that's it. I'm quitting. I've inspired some people but...more power to them. I can't write knowing that you are working on this masterpiece.

I don't blame you. You're just doing what you have to do to solidify your place in literary history.

I actually applaud your efforts.

I only wish I could've have of that.

I will stop pursuing writing as a full-time career.

I will denounce everything I ever thought to be good about writing.

Thank you, Keirsten. Thank you. Best of luck to you and your mermaid.

Leigh said...

I just had my tonsils out. As such, it hurts to laugh. A lot. This was totally worth the pain. ;)

Kim Aippersbach said...

Confession: I haven't actually read Paranormalcy yet, though it's been on my TBR pile for a while. You've just moved it to the top of the pile. You are brilliant. This made my day.

"You will remember horrible authors who wrote about mermaids and did terrible things to them, and you will weep."

hee heee heeee

AKG said...

I mean, this I would read. This I would BUY, not just check out from the library. This is like Kelly Link recast. Keep going!

Kiersten White said...

AKG--HAHAHAHAHAHA NO re: Kelly Link. That woman is a genius. But thank you : )

JH said...

You...are...awesome!

Seriously liked it and agree that you should turn it into a short story ;)

Kate said...

Amazingly creative! Would totally read that story! :)

storyqueen said...

Dude...I would totally read more of this.

and the title? FTW!

Shelley

Kathryn said...

You could also do the anti-trend way, and write a hipster manifesto, just to be ironic, which would become trendy, and then cool and not cool at the same time. Wrap your head around THAT one!

(Prompt: Retro Utopian Zombie Dolphin Murder Mystery Romance in third-person past perfect tense with random bits of Latin and bonus Jack Kerouac beatnik features. iPad-wielding characters not mandatory, but recommended.) ;)

Whirlochre said...

Mermaids?

Don't be so silly.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

That was so moving, I've already preordered it. :D

LinWash said...

Seeing as how you included a mermaid in Paranormalcy, you're already ahead of the game.

Jenn Johansson said...

... oh crap. *throws 3/4 finished Contemporary Sci-fi Dystopian Horror Ghost Mermaid Romance, told in second-person future-tense (with bonus environmentalist undertones to make me a shoe-in for the Printz award) in the shredder*

RaShelle said...

Ooooh, can hardly wait!!! LOL! Tons of fun.

Anita Saxena said...

The second-person-future-tense had this almost hypnotizing affect on me. Too funny.

Jill Hathaway said...

You are the funniest person I don't really know! THIS ROCKS!!!

Word verification: weenal.

Is this funny only to me?

Kailia Sage said...

That.Was.Simply.Awesome.

TL Conway said...

I just want you to know that I've come back to this blog three times now for a great giggle. Your blogs are always pretty funny, but this one's my fave!

PLEASE tell if/when YWDiID makes its debut!

Rue Davis said...

Ha ha! That was awesome. Maybe you should just scrap the book and submit your blog for publishing instead. You're one of the best blog writers I've ever known!