Friday, May 13, 2011

In Case of Zombie Apocalypse

So, last night as I envisioned detaching my jaw and tossing it onto the counter next to the junk mail for the night, I wondered if perhaps the desire to remove rather essential body parts is an early warning symptom of impending zombiehood.

Which would make me the forerunner of the coming Zombie Apocalypse.

Some people might panic about this, but I'm actually quite pleased. See, the way I figure, if the world is going to end in a Zombie Apocalypse, I want to be the first zombie on the ground. The way these things work, it would take people so long to catch on to what was happening that I would be chock full of plump, juicy brains before the government even admitted there might be a problem.

Gross! you might be thinking. Who wants to be a zombie? Well, who wants to survive a Zombie Apocalypse? I don't know about you, but the idea of slowly starving to death, knowing that humanity around me is for all intents and purposes gone forever, desperately fighting for a survival I know will eventually end, and end violently? Did Will Smith look like he was having a good time in I Am Legend? No! Neither did movie-goers! Only his abs were happy, and they really shouldn't have a say. Let's face it: Zombie Apocalypse survival? It's just not that appealing.

And who wants to stick it out for a while only to die and become a zombie after everyone else? Where's the fun in that? At that point the only people left would be a) hard to find and b) battle-hardened and well-equipped with machetes and shotguns and lawnmowers. No, I want to be the fat and happy first zombie.

But Kiersten, you might say, if you are a zombie before everything breaks down people will still have easy access to weapons and ammos! This is true. But they will also still be functioning under those pesky "It's not nice to decapitate people" social mores that also haven't broken down yet.


Hey, residents of the world's safest house. Enjoy your agonizing descent into starvation and madness. ALL YOUR BRAINS ARE BELONG TO ME.

I don't know about you, but I always feel better when I have a plan of action. And knowing that, in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I have exactly where and what I want to be mapped out makes me sleep a little better at night.

But don't even get me started on my Unicorn Apocalypse survival plan, because that thing is wicked complicated and it doesn't even have a cameo by Will Smith's abs.

Unicorns ruin everything.

18 comments:

Eleven Eleven said...

This post was even better the second time. I'm going to have zombies on the brain all weekend now. :)

Morris Lewis said...

You might change your tune when you find out what a steady diet of human brain does to the skin.

Btw, anyone who hasn't seen the full transformation of this house should take a look.

The Story Queen said...

Unicorns > Zombies.

That is all.

Roy Hayward said...

And this gives me a chance to further develope the zombie bitten unicorn story line.

I think it starts with a conflict between the unicorns and zombies. Then the inevitable happens.....

M.J. Fifield said...

Such a riot but I'm with The Story Queen: Unicorns > Zombies

And Will Smith's abs are really quite excellent.

Rachel Pudelek said...

Yes, Will's abs aside, I'd think even when unicorns are devouring people they'd still be beautiful. And I'd imagine they smell better too.

Eleni Alexandraki said...

Well... if I can't be the first zombie, I'd prefer to be the flame-thrower that hoses the Zombies down in gasoline before torching them.

Anonymous said...

After reading this I looked to the right and saw KW's author picture and was thinking "So how can somehow who looks all nice and stuffs lead a zombie apocalypse... hmm"

Claire Dawn said...

Only his abs were happy, and they really shouldn't have a say.

:)

His abs made me happy too.

I think in the event of any apocalypse, I'd just want to die. I have no desire to be a zombie, nor ot run from zombies.

Sarah said...

Hey, i was just wondering, and I know you didn't really ask anyone to post questions but i hope you'll answer mine anyway :D I love your books and you are just an amazing person.

Anyway, the question: How long did it take you to write Paranormalcy? And how many words do you normally aim for when writing?

Josh and Christina Tidwell said...

Im still waiting for the Trolls 2 apocalypse.

Kiersten White said...

Christina--HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Sarah--First draft of Para took me three weeks. Editing was a lot longer. First draft was 82k, final version 72k. I try not to aim for a specific word count, just tell the story that needs to be told and worry about length in editing.

Whirlochre said...

Blogger Apocalypse was bad enough. I kept clicking on this post in Google Reader only to find a-nothing.

Brooke said...

OH, MY!! My husband and I were having this conversation the other day... only I was on the other side of the fence. If I'm a zombie... please decapitate me! If it comes to starving or turning into a zombie, I'd rather starve. Zombies give me the heebie jeebies and I can't even stand the thought of a reality with them involved! YUCK! On the other hand, I love your kookiness. It made me smile, if not laugh (because of the zombie factor)!

Deana said...

I love your posts, they are so cute and quirky:) And I've got to say, I'm with you...after having read Forest of Hands and Teeth and the others that go with it, I'm all about zombified and unknowing!

Sarah said...

Kiersten- Wow, only three weeks! You must have been working hard on that, not that i've had much experience writing a book, my first one took almost 2 years. I expect the next one to be MUCH faster. I suppose the first book is a tough hurdle to get over.

I bet supernaturally will be just as good :D

Jess said...

That just made my life. Hahaha!!!

Anonymous said...

"Did Will Smith look like he was having a good time in I Am Legend? No! Neither did movie-goers! Only his abs were happy, and they really shouldn't have a say."

You. Just. Killed. Me.