An original television series
by Kiersten WhitePreviously on Teen! Drama!, lots of stuff happened that was awesome and awesomely acted by our obscenely beautiful cast of twenty-something teenagers.
Season 2, Episode 3: Productive Placement
Season 2, Episode 3: Productive Placement
Montage of intense staring, startling revelations, kissing in rather less clothing than is normally worn, and more intense staring.
Int. Car scene, with CARA and PLAIN FRIEND driving down a dark country road.
I just can't believe that Sirena is back. Things were going so well between Hot Guy and me.
PLAIN FRIENDI don't get why you can get over the fact that he's half kraken and shoots ink sometimes when he gets overexcited, but you can't deal with the fact that in the two-hundred-plus years he's been alive he's had a few relationships.
CARAI don't want to talk about it. But don't you love this song? It's the new one from RADIO FRIENDLY PSUEDO INDIE!
PLAIN FRIENDOh, yeah! Look, my car stereo has a special button where we can find out the band and the song!
Camera zoom on dashboard console of car.
CARAWhere are we driving, again?
PLAIN FRIENDNowhere, we just really like spending in my all new 2011 Dodge BRAND 4-wheel-drive compact car.
CARAAnd it gets great gas mileage, which is a good thing because there's no other reason for us to be driving around right now.
PLAIN FRIENDEspecially since I seem to have lost my job at Cool Teen Hangout Place, at least for this episode. Or it's like school, and we only use it when the setting is convenient and we don't need to advertise my freaking hot car.
Ext. closeup on the back of the car, focusing on BRAND, before it drives off into the night along with that particular pointless plot deviation.
Int. sleek, modern apartment of HOT GUY and SMOKING HOT COUSIN. A huge fish tank features prominently across the length of an entire wall. HOT GUY and SMOKING HOT COUSIN are both in swim trunks, lounging in the hot tub in the middle of the family room.
HOT GUYWhy did we have to talk in here, again?
SMOKING HOT COUSINI think better when my abs are showing.
HOT GUYOh, yeah. Me, too.
SMOKING HOT COUSINSo, what are you going to do about Sirena? She keeps calling sunken ghost ships out of the deep to attack the town since you won't date her. It's really gotta stop.
HOT GUYI know, but she's so much more powerful than we are. Do you think we should try to kill her?
SMOKING HOT COUSINOf course not! Then we would lose all of the delicious drama of both of us being in love with her at the same time even though you try to deny it, and we need that to last for at least the rest of this season. I just want to know if you're going to pick Sirena or Cara, so I can start making out with someone on a regular basis.
HOT GUYWait, you mean the girl I don't pick?
SMOKING HOT COUSIN delivers intense stare with patented smirk. HOT GUY sighs.
SMOKING HOT COUSINAt least call Cara on your new Nokiasung Internet Phone, with 4G wireless and built-in GPS.
I'm not ready to talk to her yet. I don't know how to make this better.
SMOKING HOT COUSINI'll text her. Thanks to our Nokiasung family, friends, and long-lost-vengeful-lovers plan, it's free! It's the least I can do to help out my favorite cousin.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN pulls out his own phone, a sleek model that earns a close-up. He texts:
TONITE OUTSIDE IN THE ALLEY--HOT GUY WILL BE THERE.
Another text bubble pops up.
I WILL, TOO.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN smirks his smirk of smoking hot smirkitude and puts his phone away.
SMOKING HOT COUSINShe'll meet you tonight, in the alley outside of Cool Teenage Hangout Place.
HOT GUY fails to notice that SMOKING HOT COUSIN also takes HOT GUY's phone, which earns its own closeup.
Thank you! I owe you one, cuz.
Int. Scene Cool Teen Hangout Place, CARA, PLAIN FRIEND, TOKEN BLONDE, and WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX are sitting around a table. CARA's usually perfect posture is slumped, effectively communicating how devastated she is to be fighting with HOT GUY.
WAITRESS THAT IS PRETTIER THAN ANYONE YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE BUT STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING BUT A THROWAWAY PART STUPID HOLLYWOOD WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO DO TO CATCH A BREAK ARGHCan I get y'all something?
CARAI'll have a DIET COKE.
PLAIN FRIENDI'll have a COKE ZERO.
TOKEN BLONDEI'll have a CHERRY COKE.
WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EXI'll have a Dr Pe--I mean, COKE.
WAITRESS THAT IS PRETTIER THAN ANYONE YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE BUT STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING BUT A THROWAWAY PART STUPID HOLLYWOOD WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO DO TO CATCH A BREAK ARGHGreat! I'll get that DIET COKE, COKE ZERO, CHERRY COKE, and COKE right out to you.
WAITRESS THAT IS PRETTIER THAN ANYONE YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE BUT STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING BUT A THROWAWAY PART STUPID HOLLYWOOD WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO DO TO CATCH A BREAK ARGH attempts to give an intense stare to demonstrate that she belongs on the show, but the camera cuts too fast and instead she goes out to the extra's trailer to binge eat with MOM actress and then call her agent and demand a better part before she has to show up for her shift as an actual waitress.
TOKEN BLONDEI'm just saying, if a guy treated me like that I'd be outta there faster than a Dodge BRAND, which does zero to sixty in eight seconds flat.
PLAIN FRIENDI'd be outta there faster than my 4G Nokiasung phone can download streaming video of RADIO FRIENDLY PSUEDO INDIE's new music video.
WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EXI love that song!
CARAMe, too. But guys, HOT GUY swears he isn't seeing Sirena. And I love him more than life itself. I even love those kraken-sucker hickies he always gives me. Oh, a text!
CARA pulls out her sleek silver phone, and the camera zooms in on its tiny, pop-out keyboard before showing the text.
HOT GUY: I MISS YOU.
CARA beams, and we know that the two of them will work it out because they are MEANT TO BE.
CARAI've got to go to him!
EXT Dark alley. HOT GUY comes, carrying flowers. A woman is standing in the shadows, and he smiles and walks up to her.
HOT GUYI'm so sorry!
SIRENA, stepping dramatically into the lightNot as sorry as you're going to be!
SIRENA whips out her tentacles and pulls HOT GUY into an embrace, just as CARA bursts out of the door.
CARA, tears brimming in her perfectly-lined and -lashed eyesNo!
HOT GUY, spinning around
Cara! This isn't what it looks like!
SIRENAOh, it's exactly what it looks like.
SIRENA gives an intense, seductive smile as CARA runs away before HOT GUY can stop her.
Ext. CARA's home, with a wrap-around porch that we've never seen before but is conveniently there and romantically lit tonight. CARA runs up the walk, crying, although her eye makeup remains pristine.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN steps out from the shadows.
SMOKING HOT COUSINHey, I was just--Cara, what's wrong? You're crying.
CARAI know. I don't want to talk about it, or talk about how fabulous my Maybelash Boyfriend-Breaking-Your-Heart-Proof Mascara is.
SMOKING HOT COUSINYou mean, HOT GUY and SIRENA? I'm so sorry. I tried to warn you.
CARAI know, I feel like such an idiot.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN, giving an intense stare, pulls her into a hug and runs his hands through her hair as women across the country swoon and/or cheer because they are totally Team Smoking Hot Cousin.
SMOKING HOT COUSINHe's the idiot. If I had someone like you, I'd do anything to keep you.
CARA nods into his shoulder, still crying, and he pulls her closer, looking out into the night with his trademark intense, smoldering smirk as the producers wonder if they can trademark his blue eyes and make money every time he does "the look" at appearances.