Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Teen! Drama!

Teen! Drama!
An original television series
by Kiersten White
Season 2, Episode 3: Productive Placement


Announcer Guy
Previously on Teen! Drama!, lots of stuff happened that was awesome and awesomely acted by our obscenely beautiful cast of twenty-something teenagers
Montage of intense staring, startling revelations, kissing in rather less clothing than is normally worn, and more intense staring.
Int. Car scene, with CARA and PLAIN FRIEND driving down a dark country road.
CARA
I just can't believe that Sirena is back.  Things were going so well between Hot Guy and me.
PLAIN FRIEND
I don't get why you can get over the fact that he's half kraken and shoots ink sometimes when he gets overexcited, but you can't deal with the fact that in the two-hundred-plus years he's been alive he's had a few relationships.
CARA
I don't want to talk about it.  But don't you love this song?  It's the new one from RADIO FRIENDLY PSUEDO INDIE!
PLAIN FRIEND
Oh, yeah!  Look, my car stereo has a special button where we can find out the band and the song!
Camera zoom on dashboard console of car.
CARA
Where are we driving, again?
PLAIN FRIEND
Nowhere, we just really like spending in my all new 2011 Dodge BRAND 4-wheel-drive compact car.
CARA
And it gets great gas mileage, which is a good thing because there's no other reason for us to be driving around right now.
PLAIN FRIEND
Especially since I seem to have lost my job at Cool Teen Hangout Place, at least for this episode.  Or it's like school, and we only use it when the setting is convenient and we don't need to advertise my freaking hot car.
Ext. closeup on the back of the car, focusing on BRAND, before it drives off into the night along with that particular pointless plot deviation.
Int. sleek, modern apartment of HOT GUY and SMOKING HOT COUSIN. A huge fish tank features prominently across the length of an entire wall. HOT GUY and SMOKING HOT COUSIN are both in swim trunks, lounging in the hot tub in the middle of the family room.
HOT GUY
Why did we have to talk in here, again?
SMOKING HOT COUSIN
I think better when my abs are showing.
HOT GUY
Oh, yeah.  Me, too.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN
So, what are you going to do about Sirena?  She keeps calling sunken ghost ships out of the deep to attack the town since you won't date her.  It's really gotta stop.
HOT GUY
I know, but she's so much more powerful than we are.  Do you think we should try to kill her?
SMOKING HOT COUSIN
Of course not!  Then we would lose all of the delicious drama of both of us being in love with her at the same time even though you try to deny it, and we need that to last for at least the rest of this season.  I just want to know if you're going to pick Sirena or Cara, so I can start making out with someone on a regular basis.
HOT GUY
Wait, you mean the girl I don't pick?
SMOKING HOT COUSIN delivers intense stare with patented smirk.  HOT GUY sighs.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN
At least call Cara on your new Nokiasung Internet Phone, with 4G wireless and built-in GPS.
HOT GUY
I'm not ready to talk to her yet.  I don't know how to make this better.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN
I'll text her.  Thanks to our Nokiasung family, friends, and long-lost-vengeful-lovers plan, it's free!  It's the least I can do to help out my favorite cousin.
HOT GUY
Thanks!
SMOKING HOT COUSIN pulls out his own phone, a sleek model that earns a close-up.  He texts:
TONITE OUTSIDE IN THE ALLEY--HOT GUY WILL BE THERE.
Another text bubble pops up.
I WILL, TOO.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN smirks his smirk of smoking hot smirkitude and puts his phone away.  
SMOKING HOT COUSIN
She'll meet you tonight, in the alley outside of Cool Teenage Hangout Place.
HOT GUY
Thank you!  I owe you one, cuz.
HOT GUY fails to notice that SMOKING HOT COUSIN also takes HOT GUY's phone, which earns its own closeup.
Int. Scene Cool Teen Hangout Place, CARA, PLAIN FRIEND, TOKEN BLONDE, and WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX are sitting around a table.  CARA's usually perfect posture is slumped, effectively communicating how devastated she is to be fighting with HOT GUY.
WAITRESS THAT IS PRETTIER THAN ANYONE YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE BUT STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING BUT A THROWAWAY PART STUPID HOLLYWOOD WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO DO TO CATCH A BREAK ARGH
Can I get y'all something?
CARA
I'll have a DIET COKE.
PLAIN FRIEND
I'll have a COKE ZERO.
TOKEN BLONDE
I'll have a CHERRY COKE.
WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX
I'll have a Dr Pe--I mean, COKE.
WAITRESS THAT IS PRETTIER THAN ANYONE YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE BUT STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING BUT A THROWAWAY PART STUPID HOLLYWOOD WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO DO TO CATCH A BREAK ARGH
Great!  I'll get that DIET COKE, COKE ZERO, CHERRY COKE, and COKE right out to you.
WAITRESS THAT IS PRETTIER THAN ANYONE YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE BUT STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING BUT A THROWAWAY PART STUPID HOLLYWOOD WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO DO TO CATCH A BREAK ARGH attempts to give an intense stare to demonstrate that she belongs on the show, but the camera cuts too fast and instead she goes out to the extra's trailer to binge eat with MOM actress and then call her agent and demand a better part before she has to show up for her shift as an actual waitress.
TOKEN BLONDE
I'm just saying, if a guy treated me like that I'd be outta there faster than a Dodge BRAND, which does zero to sixty in eight seconds flat.
PLAIN FRIEND
I'd be outta there faster than my 4G Nokiasung phone can download streaming video of RADIO FRIENDLY PSUEDO INDIE's new music video.
WAY HOT BUT TOO NICE EX
I love that song!
CARA
Me, too.  But guys, HOT GUY swears he isn't seeing Sirena.  And I love him more than life itself.  I even love those kraken-sucker hickies he always gives me.  Oh, a text!
CARA pulls out her sleek silver phone, and the camera zooms in on its tiny, pop-out keyboard before showing the text.
HOT GUY: I MISS YOU.
CARA beams, and we know that the two of them will work it out because they are MEANT TO BE.
CARA
I've got to go to him!
EXT Dark alley.  HOT GUY comes, carrying flowers.  A woman is standing in the shadows, and he smiles and walks up to her.
HOT GUY
I'm so sorry!
SIRENA, stepping dramatically into the light
Not as sorry as you're going to be!
SIRENA whips out her tentacles and pulls HOT GUY into an embrace, just as CARA bursts out of the door.
CARA, tears brimming in her perfectly-lined and -lashed eyes
No!
HOT GUY, spinning around
Cara!  This isn't what it looks like!
SIRENA
Oh, it's exactly what it looks like.
SIRENA gives an intense, seductive smile as CARA runs away before HOT GUY can stop her.
Ext. CARA's home, with a wrap-around porch that we've never seen before but is conveniently there and romantically lit tonight.  CARA runs up the walk, crying, although her eye makeup remains pristine.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN steps out from the shadows.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN
Hey, I was just--Cara, what's wrong?  You're crying.
CARA
I know.  I don't want to talk about it, or talk about how fabulous my Maybelash Boyfriend-Breaking-Your-Heart-Proof Mascara is.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN
You mean, HOT GUY and SIRENA?  I'm so sorry.  I tried to warn you.
CARA
I know, I feel like such an idiot.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN, giving an intense stare, pulls her into a hug and runs his hands through her hair as women across the country swoon and/or cheer because they are totally Team Smoking Hot Cousin.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN
He's the idiot.  If I had someone like you, I'd do anything to keep you.
CARA nods into his shoulder, still crying, and he pulls her closer, looking out into the night with his trademark intense, smoldering smirk as the producers wonder if they can trademark his blue eyes and make money every time he does "the look" at appearances.


THE END

21 comments:

BrittLit said...

Fantastic! ;) I feel full of teen spirit... or is that angst? Either way Hurray!

MissHavoc said...

OMG! so bleeping funny! and so true. i LOVE how the CW is all about product placement. not.

My 5 Monkeys(Julie) said...

thats LOL funny and totally with smallville and product placement too. to true

The Weed said...

I am highly amused. And if my Google search for RADIO FRIENDLY PSEUDO INDIE had yielded any results aside from this blog, I totally would have downloaded their latest. Shucks.

Welp, off to drink a Coke at 10:32am!

Sarah Enni said...

I am so Team Smoking Hot Cousin. I look forward to his spin-off show, Team! Drama! at the Beach!

Debbie said...

ROFL!!! Thanks for the fun diversion!

Natalie Whipple said...

I didn't notice any product placement. It was so seamless and not at all obvious.

Shveta Thakrar said...

Kiersten, this is not only hilarious but spot on. Well done!

*dies laughing*

melissa @ 1lbr said...

Ooh, when does this show air? I totally need to watch it. Especially for the abs.

BookChic said...

I love this series. My favorite part of this one though was the waitress description and how you kept using it over and over.

Empress said...

OMG... so fabulous, so funny, so why I no longer watch TV... :-)

Samantha Bennett said...

YES! You totally captured it, smoking-hot-cousin smirk and all!

Emilia Plater said...

LOVE

Anita Saxena said...

I LOVE all the product placements. I mean, that's what makes a teen driven sitcom, right?

Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

I wann'a comment but I got all lost; I think I need to rent (dowload; backlink) the previous episodes to catch back up!

;-)

Debbie Barr said...

I'm pretty sure "I think better when my abs are showing" is the best line ever.

Claire Dawn said...

Erm, is this based on something specific? I'm totally seeing a show that's on now...

lol.

LinWash said...

Okay, that just made me laugh out loud and wonder who you would cast as the Smoking Hot Cousin. Also, can you work in a product placement for a computer? I'm looking for a new laptop and can only decide based on product placements I see in TV shows. :-D

Eleven Eleven said...

You've missed your calling as an advertising agent. Or screenwriter. Or social critic. Or even therapist for frustrated and talented actors.

I think better when my abs are showing. ROFL!

And smirkitude should be added to the dictionary. It's too genius.

ipod_frk said...

"Dr Pe--I mean, COKE."

I just about fell off laughing there!

CW and their product placements. I only watch The Vampire Diaries but apparently it happens on their shows too haha! Also this epi DID have a The Vampire Diaries vibe to it... I haven't been following you long but it's good to see you watch that series! <3 :D

Rebecca T. said...

This is the funniest yet. Oh my goodness I can't stop laughing!
"smirks his smirk of smoking hot smirkitude" BWAHA! That has Damon written ALL over it. And the product placements?! Please! Too perfect :D