Season 2, Episode 1
Interior: House that is too nice and far too well-decorated for “poor girl” to live in. CARA and HOT GUY are kissing on her tastefully feminine bed. MOM is nowhere to be seen, and will not show up for at least several episodes, spending her time in her trailer drinking and cursing the fact that, at twenty-eight, she was relegated to the role of “mother” while the twenty-six-year-old CARA got to be the hot, hot teenage cheerleader.
CARA breaks away from the well-biceped grasp of HOT GUY and smiles tenderly at him. He tucks her hair behind her ears in the classic Aren’t-I-a-Good-Boyfriend-Because-I-Notice-Things-Other-than-Your-Hot-and-Quite-Probably-Surgically-Enhanced-Body move, and wonders at what point in this episode he is contractually obligated to show his abs. He is a very, very good actor when it comes to his abs.
I’m glad that things are going so well between us. We had so many issues last season, between you finding out about my secret pregnancy that, even though it didn’t affect you in the slightest since it happened before we met, somehow caused us to break up for several episodes, and then my finding out you are actually an immortal half-kraken creature of darkness and that you don’t even play football. That one nearly killed me.
That I’m two-hundred years older than you and have suction cups that pop up at inopportune times?
No, that you won’t be the quarterback. But I love you so much and so deeply and so forever that not even our lack of cheerleader-quarterback perfection can drive me away from you. Also, I’m finding cephalopods pretty hot these days. Suction-cup hickies notwithstanding.
Good, because I’m nothing without someone to obsess over. Eternal life is pretty boring without some hot, hot teenage girl to be the center of my universe.
Do you ever miss Sirena? I mean, you two had an epic, violent love affair back when she turned you into a…you know, whatever it is you are.
That was two-hundred years ago. Besides, how could I miss anything when you are around?
CARA bats eyelashes, and several minutes of intense eye-contact ensue, reminding us that CARA and HOT GUY are MEANT TO BE.
Everything is perfect.
And, in spite of the fact that we should totally see something coming since this is the episode that will set up the drama for the rest of the season and we slipped in a reference to a character never-before-seen on the show, I’m not worried at all. Everything is perfect.
Romantic music swells as the scene shifts to EXT: School. School is pristinely clean and filled with “students” that look like they came from a) a modeling shoot or b) are forty years old. No actual classes are ever shown because academics are irrelevant when you are as hot as CARA and HOT GUY.
PLAIN FRIEND walks up to CARA, looking, as usual, just as beautiful as anyone else in the show but inexplicably unable to get a boyfriend because, well, she is PLAIN FRIEND.
Hi! I can’t believe how many shifts they have me working at Generic Hip Teen Meeting Spot this week!
I think it’s so cute how we pretend like anyone cares about your subplots!
I’m hoping for a ratings-dip so they’ll try out a much-advertised lesbian kiss for me even though there’s no follow-through and it's played insincerely for drama instead of with integrity.
There’s always that.
Did you hear about the new girl? I hear she’s a really good singer.
CARA is about to answer when HOT GUY walks up and puts his arms possessively around her in case her too-nice-to-be-a-love-interest ex-boyfriend comes onscreen. PLAIN FRIEND smiles as she disappears into the background, her one role for the episode dutifully fulfilled.
CARA and HOT GUY both look up as a suitably popular-and-filled-with-sexy-attitude pop song swells and the camera cuts to
HOLY CRAP HOT GIRL WITH ATTITUDE, who is walking down the hall in slow motion with a breeze that affects no one else blowing her hair out sexily behind her. HOLY CRAP HOT GIRL WITH ATTITUDE is wearing an outfit no high school would ever allow, but since she is HOLY CRAP HOT no one cares.
That must be the new girl!
HOT GUY’s eyes fill with a look that should combine angst with longing and struggle, but mostly just comes across like every single one of his other “smoldering” looks.
HOLY CRAP HOT GIRL WITH ATTITUDE
Hot Guy! I can’t believe it!
HOLY CRAP HOT GIRL WITH ATTITUDE wraps her arms around HOT GUY and pulls him in for a kiss, much to the horror of CARA, who has only now realized what new plot twist will serve to complicate her relationship for at least the next twelve episodes. However, this may mean kissy-face time with SMOKING HOT COUSIN, which is always a bonus.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN appears as usual at exactly the right time, giving a smoldering, ironic grin to MAIN GIRL.
SMOKING HOT COUSIN
Sirena’s back. This should be interesting.
CARA, who should have seen this plot twist coming
At least she’s not my long-lost birth-mother.