Monday, June 7, 2010

The Truth About Kiersten White: by Stephanie Perkins

Today, a woman who needs no introduction, but whom I'm going to go and introductinate anyway. Stephanie Perkins is the author of ANNA AND THE FRENCH KISS, coming this December from Dutton. She is a connoisseur of HBMs (Hot British Males), a collector of Celebrity Boyfriends, and one of the most geniunely delightful and kind people I have ever known.

The Truth About Kiersten White

Please allow me to assure you, I am not here to blog about me. You and I are here for the same reason—we like reading Kiersten's blog. So for the purpose of this post, here is the only thing you need to know about me:

I have met Kiersten White. In person.

And unless you know her personally, like myself, here are some things you THINK you know about her:

—She is short. Supernaturally so.
—She is married to someone hot, and they have two children.
—She wrote a book called Paranormalcy.
—She has never smoked, tasted alcohol, or uttered a dirty word.

WELL. I am here to tell you that these things . . . are lies.

I first met Kiersten White last spring. To this day, I vividly recall the shock I felt when she climbed out of her car, and I discovered . . . she's tall. I'm not even talking regular person tall, but Kiersten is, like, basketball player tall.

Confused, I asked this strange woman, "Are you Kiersten's sister? Because your face is kinda sorta like the pictures online*, but I was expecting someone . . . you know. Smaller."

*I said "kinda sorta" because her face was covered in acne blisters, she was wearing heavy black eyeliner, and she had a Tweety Bird tattoo on her forehead. She is, apparently, a Photoshop whiz.

I'm sorry to say that I cannot tell you what her reply was. It was so profane, so spectacularly vulgar that not only would I not want to tell you, but halfway through her diatribe, my ears began to ring and my subconscious took control and muted her words.

To this day, I am not sure why I got in her vehicle. Perhaps it was the taunting lure of jelly beans in her passenger side seat.**

**More on that later.

As she pulled out of the adult video store parking lot (it was a handy meeting spot, she'd claimed), it immediately became clear that Kiersten White was:

(A) Drunk as a sailor.
(B) High as a kite.

We flew down the California interstate, crashing between the other vehicles as if in a high-speed bumper car race, and I attempted to calm my nerves by asking her a few questions. Things like, "Do you live far from here?" "Will there be anyone else in your home?" and "How close is the nearest police station?"

Her (edited for family-friendliness) answers were: "No," "Fudge no," and "None of your fudging business, fudge-face."

"No?" I replied, rolling down a window to let the cigarette (I hope it was a cigarette!) smoke escape. "Hot Stuff? Nayna? Dojo? They won't be around?"

She laughed. "Oh. They're around, all right."

Five terrifying minutes later, we arrived at a tiny brick house in the corner of a dark neighborhood. The grass looked as if it had never been mowed, and the bushes, on closer inspection, were actually dandelions.

Now, I didn't make it all the way into adulthood just to have it end right there. As soon as the child-safety locks were off, I jumped from her car and ran straight into the woods behind her house. I'd hoped to lose her there, to cut through to another neighborhood. But what I hadn't expected was this: a second house.

The second house was hidden behind her regular house, and the most peculiar thing about it was that it looked exactly like the main house but playhouse-sized. And as I raced past it, I heard the screaming of children.

I am not proud about this next part.

I did not stop to see who was in the playhouse. I kept running.

To make a long blog short, Kiersten caught me. It turns out her legs are not only long enough to play basketball, but they're STRONG enough, too. She yanked me by my blue hair back to the playhouse, which was where I discovered her biggest secrets of all: "Hot Stuff" is more like "Okay Stuff." And he's the one who guards the children.

Oh, Nayna and Dojo are real, all right.

And they're the ones who wrote Paranormalcy.

Lured from their Preschool for Brilliant Children with—yes—jelly beans, Kiersten has locked them into her playhouse to do her bidding. Okay Stuff sleeps in a hammock in the corner (the children sleep on a bed of straw) to ensure they churn out a minimum of 500 words per hour. (Not including the three hours allotted per night for sleeping, nor the ten minutes spread throughout the day for bathroom purposes.)

I am not proud about this next part, either.

I walked to the closest 7-11 and bought two packages of Tropical Skittles. And then Nayna and Dojo agreed to finish MY novel. And then Kiersten and I went inside and watched Penelope.***

***She really does love that movie. That much is true.

And we have been close friends ever since.

OH. And one of us—Kiersten or me—is a great big liar.

That tweety bird tattoo was the best decision I ever made. And if you think this was funny, wait until you read Steph's books! Please pester her in the comments.

35 comments:

Abby Stevens said...

This made me laugh out loud, Steph! And Kiersten, hope Romania is lovely!

Abby Stevens said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
A. Cne said...

I found some useful information about Kiersten which i didn't used to know before, but would also like to tell you that your post was exceptionally good.

Jessie Oliveros said...

Hot Stuff is only OKAY STUFF? That's it. I'm finished.

Frankie Diane Mallis said...

Too cute, Steph!! Love it!

Steph Su said...

Oh my God, I am gasping in laughter over here!! That was AMAZING. Can someone give Steph a blogger-comedian award right now?

Kristan said...

Oh you two and your ridiculousness. You're using up Earth's quota!!

ElegantSnobbery said...

Absolutely fantastic. I almost feel like I KNOW Kiersten personally after reading this. And am amazed that her kids were the ones who wrote her book. That is inspiring, as I now know little tots are capable of writing publishable fiction, and will work hard at getting my own kids to write books. Of which I'll take all the credit for a la Kiersten.

Thanks for the laugh :)

lynnrush said...

Oh my goodness. This was awesome!!! So much fun.

Natalie Whipple said...

Why are you guys laughing? That's a pretty accurate description, and I don't think it's very funny.

Steph NEVER lies.

And neither do I.

Lea (YA Book Queen) said...

Lol, love this post! :D

Leah Cypess said...

OKAY STUFF?
*is incapacitated by laughter*

daniellaindie said...

I knew it! Ordinary SAHMs can't possibly be as cool as Kiersten portrays herself to be! No wonder! Child labor works (now off to get my 4 & 2 year old to start being productive!) =)

Hilarious fun, Stephanie!

BookChic said...

OMG This was hilarious. I had to stop a couple times so I didn't bust out laughing at work.

You are now officially one of my favorite people and while I was already looking forward to your book, I am now EVEN MORE excited to read it.

Awesome post! Though I am saddened to find out Hot Stuff is just Okay Stuff. :(

rissawrites said...

bahahahaa!

At least you upped the ante from regular blechy jelly beans to tropical skittles. Shows you care about the kids.

Anita Saxena said...

This is hilarious! They say people embellish themselves when describing themselves on the web. But Kiersten took exaggeration to a whole new level. A tall cussing basketball player married to Ok Stuff. LOL! Base on this post alone, I can't wait to read Anna and the French Kiss.

Marsha Sigman said...

I laughed so hard I almost pee'd my pants. This was awesome.

Melissa said...

Honestly? I'm not surprised. I always knew she was too good to be true.
....
Thanks for making me laugh Steph! This was hilarious, and while I don't (more like can't) believe a word of it. IT was excellent fiction!

Amanda J. said...

LOL Fabulous, Steph! Can't wait to read Anna and the French Kiss. :D

Stephanie Perkins said...

Hi everyone!

Thanks for giving me a greatbighuge ear-to-ear grin. I love nothing more than to hear I've made someone laugh. :)

Except perhaps when someone tells me they're excited about ANNA AND THE FRENCH KISS. That is also freaking awesome. So thanks for that, too!

But I'm not quite sure where you guys are getting the idea that this is *fiction*. I don't write fiction. I write truths. I am pretty sure I have never lied in my entire life ever.

— Steph


P.S. Steph Su: I'm pretending that award is real. It looks very nice above my pretend mantel. Thank you!

rissawrites: Thanks for saying that. *I* thought it was generous of me. I mean, Kiersten wasn't even using Jelly Bellys. These were CHEAP NO-NAME POST-EASTER SALE jelly beans. Those kids may be brilliant writers, but they seriously need to raise their culinary standards.

Marsha Sigman: Almost? I will try harder next time.

Bookaholic (Jessica) said...

LOL. That was great :) Very funny!

Samantha Bennett said...

SO, I was totally believing the tall stuff, saying things like, "Wow, wouldn't have guessed that. Interesting." Then, my gullibility lapsed and I caught on. :) Fantastic post!

Remilda Graystone said...

This was hilarious! I had to stop myself from laughing out loud lest my family send me to the loony house again. Steph sounds really cool, and not only because she has blue hair. Also, Nayna is one of my sister's many nicknames, and the name Dojo is so cute!

Anyway, great hilarious post!

Kari (Flamingo1325) said...

Hahahahaha! This was one of the best posts ever, right up there with the kind of wit and entertainment Kiersten's posts usually are.

Love the house behind a house thing, and poor Hot Stuff, being demoted to Okay Stuff =P

Fantastic post! Thanks for the amusement. And, uh, well, now I really want your book. Know how to make time travel faster so I can, ya know, get it?

Katelyn Burton said...
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Katelyn Burton said...

Ha ha! I love this blog... It brightens my day!

P.S. Is there any way I can get some of those jelly beans? And can Nayna and Dojo write my book for me? :D

Claire Dawn said...

Between laughing so hard that soda comes out of facial orifices that soda was never meant to come out of, and willign September (Paranormalcy) and December (Anna) to be here, I think following author blogs is taking years off my life.

But it is so worth it!

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Funny, funny, funny...

Whirlochre said...

How relieved I am that Kiersten's wanton deceptions have been lifted from my shoulders like albatri.

Thanks for having the courage to stand up and spill the beans on this charlatan!

Zachary Grimm said...

Thank you very much for the laugh this morning, Steph! This is a good model for my Best Man speech for my brother's wedding in July. *evil laugh + shifty eyes* :-D

Male Extra said...

I have been undergoing through the similar kind of problems that you have discussed in this post, hope some solution is found very soon.

Jessica said...

Whew! Those kiddies have it rough, 500 words a minute and a bed of straw...yeowch!

Really fun guest blog!!

Laini Taylor said...

tee hee hee. love it :-) Um, what's on the kids' schedule this week? Think I might head down to San Diego with a partial ms and some candy . . .

Stephanie Perkins said...

Laini — BACK OFF. THEY'RE MINE.

Heidi said...

HAHHAHA THAT WAS HILARIOUS