Monday, June 14, 2010

Kiersten and Hotstuff in Romania: Guest Post by Andrea Cremer

Andrea Cremer is the owner of one of the most beautiful heads of hair in creation. Other than that, she does things like write really buzzed about books (her debut NIGHTSHADE comes out this October from Philomel/Penguin and is awesome), teach college, and tame a herd of wild pugs. I like her. You should, too.

Kiersten and HotStuff’s Saga Romania: Episode 3

[Scene opens on a forest glen. Owls hoot. Mist swirls between dark tree trunks. Romani wagons are gathered in a circle, surrounding a blazing bonfire as the moon climbs in the sky. Kiersten and Hotstuff emerge from one of the wagons]

Kiersten [scratches her back]: It’s nice they’ve gone for authenticity, but did they really have to stuff the mattresses with straw? My nap was not so much a nap as an itch fest.

HotStuff [looks pained]: You don’t like your surprise, do you?

Kiersten [takes his hand]: Oh, HotStuff, of course I do! It was so thoughtful of you to spring this “genuine Gypsy caravan tour” on me for our third day of the trip.

[Night noise vanishes, leaving only crackling logs on the fire]

HotStuff [unfolds printed itinerary]: Huh. That’s weird. I only woke you up because it’s time for the “Gypsy Ghost Stories with S’mores.”

Kiersten: So where are the gypsies? And the S’mores?

[A wolf howls. The bonfire roars up and then flares out, leaving only glowing embers in the fire pit]

Kiersten: Ummmm…

HotStuff [reading itinerary]: It says here “authentic, chilling tales plus gooey chocolate goodness,” I bet this is setting the mood.

Kiersten: Setting the mood with remote control bonfire and creepy night soundtrack…in the middle of the woods

HotStuff: Well…technology can do amazing things these days

[Shapes form in the darkness beyond the circled wagons. Wolf-like shadows slink between the trees]

HotStuff: …..

Kiersten [reaches into her coat pocket]: …..

[One of the wolf shadows straightens, lengthens until the shape of a tall man forms. The man walks into the forest glen, in the light his eyes gleam red. The shadows around his body swirl into a long cape.]

Stranger [in exaggerated accent]: Good evening.

Kiersten [giggles]

HotStuff [sweating]: Why are you laughing?

Kiersten: ‘Cause he sounds like Count Chocula.

Stranger [looks a bit flustered]: You’ve stumbled upon my lair. I hope you’ve enjoyed your stay…because you’ll never leave!!!

Kiersten: Oh dear

HotStuff: I didn’t sign up for this! I’m so sorry honey. I love you.

[Kiersten pulls something purple and sparkly from her coat. Gives HotStuff a quick peck on the cheek]

Kiersten: Don’t worry, dear. I’ve got this.

[Kiersten jumps forward and slams the sparkly purple tazer into Stranger’s chest. Stranger gives a strangled cry, tumbles over, and doesn’t move.]

Kiersten: Go me!

HotStuff: Go you! I have the best wife ever!

Evie [stomps into the circle, brandishing sparkly pink taser]: Oh please. Why do I even bother to show up?

Kiersten [hides purple tazer behind her back]: Hey Evie.

Evie [hands on hips]: Don’t ‘hey Evie’ me. This is my job, not yours. And where did you get that gorgeous purple tazer. You know you aren’t supposed to have one.

Kiersten: It’s a prototype. They never asked for it back.

Evie: You were supposed to send it back. Besides I need the lavender to coordinate my outfits when I’m not quite feeling the pink. ‘Kay?

[Evie holds her hand out. Kiersten sighs, mournfully drops sparkly purple tazer into Evie’s palm]

Evie: That’s better.

[On the ground, Stranger groans. Rolls over. Evie bends down, but before she can speak Stranger jumps up, eyes wide.]

Stranger: What is wrong with you people??

HotStuff: Hey! What happened to your accent?

Stranger: My accent?? My accent?! You DID sign up for this!! This is the beginning of the “authentic Romania mythos experience bonus package #4” that you paid extra for, dude!

HotStuff: Oh…oh!!! I guess I forgot I added that [looks at Kiersten] they were running a special.

Kiersten: Awwwww that’s sweet.

Stranger: Sweet?! I just got tazed. You’re crazy lady. I’m calling my lawyer, you can forget about the midnight coach chased by wolves ride. There’s no way I’m putting any more of my staff near you.

[Stranger stomps off to a nearby wagon, muttering, slams door]

Kiersten [calling after him]: Sorry! My bad!

Evie [holding both tazers up to the moonlight, judging their sparkliness]: You see – this is why you leave the work to the professionals.

Kiersten: Fine. You have my tazer. Now can you leave me to my vacation.

Evie: You bet. See ya!!

[Evie grins, melts back into the forest]

HotStuff: So I guess no ghost stories for us.

Kiersten: It’s okay. I got to taze faux Dracula.

HotStuff: Yeah. That was cool though I’m sad we don’t get the horseless coach ride with wolves. Oh well. So, back to straw mattresses? Tomorrow we’re hiking up to that castle. We’d better get some sleep.

Kiersten: Sounds like a plan…hey…does it seem like the mist has gotten thicker?

[Mist has indeed gotten thicker. Fire has completely died. All forest sounds are gone.]

Kiersten: Uh, HotStuff? Did you sign up for super creepy bonus package #5, by any chance?

HotStuff [gulps]: No.

[Mist forms into tall shapes. Men and women with dark, gleaming eyes, pale skin and no capes ring the camp. One of the men steps forward and smiles. His sharp canines catch the moonlight]

Vampire: Welcome to our home.

HotStuff: That’s not Count Chocula

Kiersten [reaches in pocket for tazer that’s no longer there]: Oh bleep.

[Cue melodramatic voiceover]

Narrator: Will Kiersten and HotStuff defeat the real vampires? Is Evie still watching in the shadows? Will Kiersten make it back to the US to finish Paranormacly 2? Is there such a thing as an “authentic gypsy ghost tour”? Stay tuned!!!

I, personally, am dying to know what will happen... Bug Andrea in the comments to give you spoilers on the sequel to Nightshade. (Also, I promise I did not ask my friends to write Kiersten Fanfic. They're just all equally insane.)


Mundie Moms said...

I loved it! Nightshade is a amazing!!! I'm dying for Wolfsbane!

I can't wait to hear all about your trip!

Kristan said...

"(Also, I promise I did not ask my friends to write Kiersten Fanfic. They're just all equally insane.)"

Lol, so it would appear. But that's okay, it's adorable and entertaining.

MissHavoc said...

Tasey two!!!! I LOVE it! I want to know what happens next! Poor Hotstuff, trying to all romantic. Nice try though! Oh yea, yes please on Wolfsbane!!!! And Kiersten: Just started reading Paranormalcy, SO AWESOME! hehehe hot pink boots...

Natalie Whipple said...

I think I'm just gonna pretend this is what's really happening on her vacation:)

Melissa said...

This is hilarious. Do we ever get to find out if they live or die?

Katrina L. Lantz said...

This was so fun! I love Paranormalcy fanfic, but still can't wait for the real thing. Must check out Nightshade now.

Thanks for a very entertaining screenplay. And I have no doubt Kiersten can handle all those guys without a tazer!

Lisa Desrochers said...

Your vacations sound much more interesting than mine. Just sayin'...

And you think Nightshade is good? Wolfsbane is even better! The crit partner knows. Bwahahahahaaaa!

K. Marie Criddle said...

Ha! This is a riot. You know you've hit the big time when you start getting fanfics written about your own life.

Moar! Moar!

Samantha Bennett said...

Hehe, I would totally laugh if someone talked to me in a Count Chocula accent. Love this story!

Claire Dawn said...

The only thing cooler than a pink taser is a purple one! This ROCKS!

Em (Super Reader Girl) said...

So much fun! :) You both are awesome! ♥

*Andye* said...

Oh Bleep! This was so funny!! Thanks, Andrea, for the laugh, and for bringing me some Evie goodness! YAY for purple Tasey!! Paranormalcy Rocks!! I hope you're having a blast on your vaca, Kiersten!

[Nightshade] *sigh* one day you will be mine!!

Andye (ReadingTeen)

Nishant said...

This was so fun! I love Paranormalcy fanfic
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