Thursday, April 22, 2010

Kid-Napped

League of Professional Nappers
333 Somnambulist Lane
Sleepy Hollow, NC 38276

Dear Ms White,

We have reviewed your lengthy and passionate appeal for a review of your membership revocation. And while it is true that in your early years you showed an all-consuming dedication to napping, indeed scheduling work and school around it during college and forgoing a social life for it during high school, your recent showings have fallen far beneath the mark.

We understand that every effort was made and that, while your kids were still in our Junior Nappers Club, you participated every chance you got. But your record over the last couple of years leaves much to be desired. Wanting to nap, craving naps, and, as you put it, "being so desperate for a nap I could cry (and sometimes do)," is not the same as napping. Were you truly dedicated like our Platinum Level Members (who manage to nap in spite of managing entire companies and, in some cases, countries), you would find a way. Those pathetic attempts you make on Saturday and Sunday simply do not cut it.

Being a member of the League of Professional Nappers is a privilege, and we take our requirements and commitments very seriously. As you have clearly not been lying down on the job, we remain by our original decision to hereby remove your name from our records and revoke any and all privileges and rights heretofore allowed. Feel free to keep napping recreationally, though, and best wishes.

Sweet dreams,

Sally Slumbers, Membership Secretary

27 comments:

L. T. Host said...

LOL.

Oh, they took my membership away when I was about five. And then I had a sad. :(

Recreational nappers unite!

Kiersten White said...

L. T., I just...I'm SO UPSET about this. I wasn't just a member, I was practically competition level. Another year and I would have been on their International Performance Nappers circuit. I put in so much time. When I think back on all the hours of my life I gave them, I just...

Well, I want to take a nap, that's what.

Falen said...

Ha!
I can honestly say i've rarely, if ever napped (not counting times when i've been ill).
Once i'm awake, i'm awake until bed time.

Claire Dawn said...

Fell asleep at my desk at school today. That might not be so bad if I was a student and not a teacher :)

Kiersten White said...

Claire--Watch, they'll probably make you an honorary member now. Jerks.

Falen--How sad. (Just kidding. That's probably healthier...)

L. T. Host said...

I'm sad FOR you. You should totally appeal. Again. And then picket. And then have a nap-in. I'll totally join you.

Giles said...

I'm in the same boat as Falen. Napping isn't something my brain lets me do. I feel guilty if I don't actively amuse myself or put my mind to use. When I'm tired and can't work, I typically just play video games or watch a movie. I even feel guilty if I try to nap away a migraine. Weird, huh?

Kiersten White said...

L. T. A NAP IN. OF COURSE. You're brilliant!

Giles--That IS weird. In fact, I'm going to recommend counseling. You need to discover the joys of napping. (And not napping when you have a migraine?? Are you kidding??? That's about all I *can* do then.)

Daisy Whitney said...

Hilarious!

Kristan said...

LOL. Aww... I was given a weekend-only membership. Maybe you can look into a discount plan like that?

Kiersten White said...

Kristan--When you're on the level I was before, going down to reduced membership is just insulting.

Daisy-- : )

Hannah said...

Oh no! But maybe you can get part-time membership? Or a day pass when you can snatch half an hour? They can be very good value, so I've heard.

(Not that I've ever been able to nap myself...always leaves me feeling faintly ill and much more drained when I wake than when I fell asleep. I envy nappers, especially those who were members of the PNL!)

Marsha Sigman said...

LOL. I am pretty sure my membership is for life.

Christine said...

"The Children of Chocolate Society" is currently accepting applications. I could get you an interview....

-also, did you ever check out the tonsil idea? I can't tell you how the sleep patterns in my house have improved, not to mention the general happiness factor!

AliseOnLife said...

Kiersten,
Perhaps I can help you and all of your other nap-deficient readers.
Along with being a life-time member of the PNL, I am regularly asked to hold seminars on how to have that perfect nap.
Please contact me if you need a refresher course. Credit will be given to those that pass the course, and your membership may be reactivated.

Lakien said...

I've been falling asleep at the bus lately... Do 10 minutes count as a nap?

patdwhite said...

Now that all you kids are grown and gone I have gone back to napping. I find that when I feel like crying, screaming, pouting, drinking, sulking, being depressed or binging that having a nice nap is much less harmful.

Dara said...

Perhaps you can be a part-time member--even though it's insulting now, that's better than not belonging, right?

I'm sure in a few years you can work your way back up to competition level. By then I'll probably be where you are now and have to succumb to the reduced membership plan.

Katie said...

Your letters always crack me up. :)

Michelle Wolfson said...

Try joining narcoleptic nappers. They have way less control over membership.

Ellen Brickley said...

Sadly, I am not a napper. If I fall asleep during the day, I'm a wreck until I go to bed properly.

I should start a club for people like me, just so we have someone to talk to while the nappers nap.

Ebony McKenna. said...

Oh no, how could they kick you out!
I've heard there are more napping associations that will give you honorary membership, as recognition for your past efforts in napping.

I'm no professional napper. Just an enthusiastic amateur.

lora96 said...

Kiersten, My membership lapsed during college and my working years pre-marriage. Last May I got married and my new spouse reintroduced me to the joys of napping. It mustn't be confined to weekends or "spare" time--a truly blissful napper can sneak fifteen minutes of snoozing whilst supper is in the oven or similar. Also permissable to nod off while reading a book (though NOT while listening to an audio book when driving and/or exercising due to risk of unexpected suffering).

Hopefully these tips will replenish your nap-deprived spirit and allow you to rejoin our ranks.

Love,

Happy Napper Lora

T-Bone said...

Kiersten,
Just got this e-mail from Kris re: today's post.

"She really is amazingly talented. Love today's post."

You're a star. Keep up the good work.

Megs said...

Ha ha ha. I honestly enjoyed reading the comments just as much as reading the letter! Thanks for a good laugh - and something to dream about (that is, when I get to sleep again, and who knows when that will be!)

Debbie Barr said...

Haha. I'm actually not a huge fan of napping, though I LOVE sleeping in.

Sarah said...

Although I am sorry that you can't nap as much as you want, I think this is truly awesome. I wish I had your imagination!