Wednesday, March 10, 2010

TEEN! DRAMA! Episode Two

An Original Television Series
by Kiersten White


ANNOUNCER WITH DEEP, DRAMATIC VOICE: On the last TEEN! DRAMA!, CARA met HOT GUY, the new "kid" at school. But she's about to learn there's a lot more to him than perfectly sculpted hair and abs. And we're not talking about his sultry staring skills.

INT. CARA'S HOUSE. MOM comes in, closing the door and leaning back against it, staring dreamily at nothing as she smells a single rose.

Have a nice time?

Yes! I'm so thrilled I've finally met a nice guy and can actually get a decent storyline on this show. It's about time they started showcasing my unparalleled acting skills. I didn't get this boob job and facelift for nothing.

You do realize that this relationship with Mr. Nice Guy is only going to last two episodes, at which point it will be revealed that he is a) trying to kill you or b) trying to steal all of your money, and your heart will be broken and you'll return to bitter, jaded divorcee Mom, and disappear for a few episodes. Besides, no one wants to see old people making out when they can see hot young things like me and HOT GUY getting it on.


MOM takes a deep breath to calm down.

Please just let me relish my moment to have the camera actually focused on me.


INT. Ridiculously Clean and Nice School Hallway. PLAIN FRIEND and CARA are talking at their lockers, because classes are only shown if they directly relate to the plot, and no one ever, ever does homework. They are too busy having DRAMA.

Wait, what do you mean you think you might have feelings for HOT GUY'S COUSIN?

I don't know! I mean, I love HOT GUY, but his cousin has those incredibly piercing blue eyes, and we've been doing a lot of intense, awkward staring shots lately. Even though I know he's a sociopath, he's really hot, too.

Please explain to me how you can say you "love" HOT GUY but still think you might want to pursue HOT GUY'S COUSIN?

Look, you don't understand. Of course I love HOT GUY, because we are the couple that are meant to be together. But if I don't also have feelings for someone else to complicate things, it gets boring. Where's the tension? No one wants to see me and HOT GUY in a stable, happy relationship where we are honest and open with each other. That's not sexy.

I don't know, it sounds sexy to me.

And this is why you have no interesting plot lines and never get to shoot steamy scenes.

I almost get killed every-other-episode!

That's just so I can have a dramatic breakdown and be comforted by HOT GUY and HOT GUY'S COUSIN.

HOT GUY and HOT GUY'S COUSIN walk down the hall. CARA eyes both of them, obviously torn between the two. How do you choose between HOT and HOT? And which choice will be better for ratings? TOKEN BLONDE appears.

No worries. Whichever one you choose, I'll take the other. And then we can trade! Also, I'll tell secrets I'm not supposed to, like what you were really doing last year.

Cue dramatic music.

INT. CARA'S HOUSE. CARA and HOT GUY walk straight past MOM up to her room.

Go ahead and do whatever you want, kids, as long as you don't get us in trouble with the FCC! Spend the night together! Spend every night together! All I'm concerned with is getting a decent storyline.

Whatever, Mom.

INT. CARA'S ROOM. Tastefully decorated in a way that no "poor" family like Cara's could ever afford, it's trendily feminine without being over-the-top. A few token accents like a popular band poster on the wall to remind us that twenty-five-year-old CARA is a TEENAGER. CARA and HOT GUY proceed to start kissing on her bed. HOT GUY removes his shirt, as his abs are contractually obligated to appear in every episode.

The kissing continues to the swelling strains of faux-indie-but-really-popular-romantic song. Just when we're sure something is about to happen and we're going to have to turn off the TV because really, awkward, CARA pulls back in alarm.

What is that?

CARA stares in horror at HOT GUY'S hand, which is suddenly covered in suckers like one would find on an Octopus.

HOT GUY turns away, ashamed.

I'm so sorry. I should have told you earlier. My secret. I'm--I'm half Kraken, Cara.

You're on crack?! We only have underage drinking on this show, HOT GUY!

No, no, I said KRAKEN. Giant squid/octopus? It's a curse. Two hundred years ago my cousin and I were poor sailors. One night our ship was wrecked against the reef. A beautiful Kraken woman gave us an impossible choice--die, or become like her, doomed to forever be drawn to the ocean. And have awkward suction cups pop up whenever things are getting serious. Also, I can squirt ink. It came in a lot more handy before ballpoint pens and word processors.

You mean--you're over two hundred years old?

Is that creepy?

Oh, no, I'm cool with that part. It's not pedophilia if you're really hot.

Whew. What about the suckers?

Those are a little ookie. I'm going to have to ask you to leave so that I can stare pensively out the window and wonder if I can live with dating a Cephalopod.

How long am I going to have to wait in agony?

About an episode-and-a-half.

Okay. I'll go sulk in my room and let my HOT COUSIN manipulate me into doing something rash. I'm just glad you don't know about our arch-nemeses, the SHARK MEN.

We'll save them for after we've made up.

I love you. I know I'm two hundred years older than you, and we've only been dating for two episodes, and we've only actually had three conversations, and most of those have been lying and/or made up mostly of intense staring, but I love you.

CARA showcases her ability to produce tears on demand as she turns away while HOT GUY leaves.

Downstairs we see MOM kissing MR NICE GUY. MR NICE GUY watches HOT GUY leave in a huff, and his face breaks into a smile. A smile showcasing three rows of razor sharp teeth.

DUN DUN DUN! Ominous music and CREDITS.


Mireyah said...

Cephalopod? Is that a real word? O.o

Kiersten White said...

Cephalopods are the class of animals that squid and octopi (and by extension, kraken) belong to. Cara only knows that word because it was in the script.

Linda G. said...

I know you're a novelist and all, but seriously? Television NEEDS you! Maybe you can do both? If you give up sleep or something? (Hey, we all make sacrifices.)

Andrea Cremer said...

Sucker hands! Cephalopods! Awesome!

Mireyah said...

*nods* Okay, that makes sense. My thought was: If it *is* a word, how would she know it?

Script makes sense.

I kinda wanna know more about HOT GUY'S COUSIN. The family members are always more interesting. *grin*

Tawna Fenske said...

Delightful! When does filming begin? I'd like to audition for a role. Not sure which on yet, but I'd like to have tentacles.


Marsha Sigman said...

I am pretty sure Cephalopods were mentioned in Men In Black, which was an awesome show but this one is more my speed. You just can't beat those intense staring scenes.

Stephanie Perkins said...

"HOT GUY removes his shirt, as his abs are contractually obligated to appear in every episode."

I'm a big fan of this show. When can I expect this episode to air?

(HOW DO YOU HAVE TIME TO WRITE THIS?? Ohmygosh, you are incredible. Hilarious.)

Kiersten White said...

Linda--Sleep is overrated, right?

Tawna--You could be the evil Kraken Lady!

Steph--Dojo was watching Ponyo, so I had fifteen free minutes between dropping Nayna off and taking apart the crib. Fifteen minutes = an eternity : )

Blank said...

This cracked me up. Love it. I bet Paranormalcy is just as funny.

fairyhedgehog said...

I hope you're submitting this to the BBC. I want to see this on tv!

Erik said...

Cephalopods are so cute :)

Elizabeth Poole said...

LMAO! This was hilarious! I love how genre savvy the characters are.


Valerie said...

This is seriously made of awesome!

Ellen B said...

I love you. Please parody everything, even things I love. I'll be too busy laughing to care.

Kiersten White said...

Truth is, I can only parody these so well because you know I eat them up. Same thing with LOST.

Thanks : )

L. T. Host said...

The only TEEN DRAMA I watch anymore is Vampire Diaries. Which accounts for the only reason I know that clearly you've been writing for them for most of the first season so far and haven't broken that news to the rest of us?

Kiersten White said...

I have to keep it secret because I'm also writing for LOST.

lora96 said...

This made my day I love it! You rock at satirizing pop culture. My favorite part is that Mom is only three years older than Cara! :)

Mariah Irvin said...

Kraken? This show is AWESOME. Please don't stop writing it, ever.

Melanie Avila said...

You. Are. The awesome.

Moremoremoremoremoremore please. :)

Corey Wright said...

This was AMAZING. I didn't see the Kraken thing coming and almost spit Dr. Pepper all over my computer.

So glad I maintained composure as that would have been a sure waste of perfectly good Dr. Pepper.

Kiersten White said...

And wasting Dr Pepper is NEVER tolerated on my blog.

Amanda J. said...

Have I reaffirmed your awesomeness lately? Because you're uber cool and talented as can be. :D

Kiersten White said...

Thank you, my dears : )

~Shauna~ said...

oh my gosh!

I am new to your blog and LOVE IT! This is seriously the funniest, most entertaining thing I've read in a while! Keep it up! I wanna know where this TV show goes!! :)

Claire Dawn said...

Gossip Girl meets Twilight.

Remind me why you don't write screenplays again?

Btw, I gave you a blog award.

Kiersten White said...

Shauna--Welcome and thanks : )

Claire--Thanks! And I don't write screenplays because clearly my genius is better put to use blogging, right?

Kelly said...

This has made my night!
Oh, no, I'm cool with that part. It's not pedophilia if you're really hot.

LOL!!!- and glad to know others notice this too.

Adam Heine said...

He's half-Kraken? THIS IS THE BEST SHOW EVER!!!

Beverley BevenFlorez said...

So funny! I added a link to this on my Writers' Well today. :)

Christine said...

you have got to name this "Kraken's Kreek." (do kraken's live in creeks-or does it have to be saltwater?)

Y.F.N. Palindrome aka Hannah said...

LOL! It's been a long time since I've laughed that loud from reading. Spank you very much!

And bravo!

Donna Gambale said...

Ok, I'm DAYS behind on my blog reading (and thus, commenting) but it has to be said -- this is hilarious. Can't wait for the next episode!