LOST IN TRANSIT
An Original Screenplay by Kiersten White
INT. SCENE: A musty, dusty, dim warehouse. Boxes are scattered throughout, sometimes stacked nearly to the ceiling, and sometimes sitting, lonely and forgotten, in the middle of the floor. After panning, the camera focuses in on two boxes in particular. One is older, the sides dented in, covered in dust. The other is smaller, still looking fresh and new.
PAST MIDDLE-AGED NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE BOX
Now what did a pretty little container like you do to end up here?
I...I don't know. This isn't where I'm supposed to be. I don't know what I'm doing here.
None of us do, kid. None of us do. Take me, for example. I was an actor--I mean, well, a whole bunch of movies--but good movies! And, shipped out in my prime, people would have loved me. But I've sat here for so long, nobody even remembers they were expecting me anymore, and I'm just as forgotten as my mid-nineties blockbusters. I can't even remember my own catch phrases.
PMANVA BOX stares moodily into the box of whiskey bottles next to him.
I'm a writer. Well, I mean, I'm going to a writer. I'm her books. But here, I'm just...nothing. I mean, what good are books that no one can read? It's like I didn't even matter to begin with. I feel so, so lost.
PRETTY BOX stares blankly at a large box of window panes next to her.
We continue with these moody staring shots for several minutes, from different perspectives. If possible, PRETTY BOX should be in only a tee-shirt and underwear for no real definable reason.
Look, kid. We're here, and sure, life may be pointless when you're Lost in Transit, but let's make the best of it! I think I saw a karaoke box over there, and here's a big box of wigs. We could throw a party and do a series of activities that make no sense and end up with us in bed together, but since Kiersten only watches R movies edited, she'll have no idea whether or not we were actually committing adultery.
But I'm so young and pretty! And you're so...really, really not.
It's a movie made by old men in Hollywood. Of course you'll sleep with me.
I think you've forgotten that this is written by a woman, and you underestimate the value of my contents. I don't. And look! Who's that?
A UPS Worker, clad in brown and walking in such a way that we know he feels shame for his company's massive, massive failure, searches through the boxes for PRETTY BOX.
PMANVA BOX leans in and whispers something unintelligible to PRETTY BOX.
PMANVA BOX leans in and whispers it again.
You need to talk louder, I can't hear you!
PMANVA BOX, shouting his annoyance
BUT IF EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT I SAY HERE, THERE IS NO MYSTERY AND NO OSCAR FOR BEING A POINTLESS MOVIE ABOUT POINTLESS PEOPLE DOING POINTLESS THINGS!
JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU FREAKING SAID!!
UPS Man reaches down and, well aware of just how important PRETTY BOX is, cradles her gently and brings her out into the brilliant sunshine, leaving PMANVA BOX alone in the middle of the floor.
PMANVA BOX whispers something else unintelligible, but nobody cares, because they are so happy that PRETTY BOX is finally going to find her way home to Kiersten.
(What can I say, I like happy endings. Did you hear that, UPS? I'D LIKE MY HAPPY ENDING.)