Friday, March 26, 2010

New Screenplay!

LOST IN TRANSIT

An Original Screenplay by Kiersten White

INT. SCENE: A musty, dusty, dim warehouse. Boxes are scattered throughout, sometimes stacked nearly to the ceiling, and sometimes sitting, lonely and forgotten, in the middle of the floor. After panning, the camera focuses in on two boxes in particular. One is older, the sides dented in, covered in dust. The other is smaller, still looking fresh and new.

PAST MIDDLE-AGED NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE BOX

Now what did a pretty little container like you do to end up here?

PRETTY BOX

I...I don't know. This isn't where I'm supposed to be. I don't know what I'm doing here.

PMANVA BOX

None of us do, kid. None of us do. Take me, for example. I was an actor--I mean, well, a whole bunch of movies--but good movies! And, shipped out in my prime, people would have loved me. But I've sat here for so long, nobody even remembers they were expecting me anymore, and I'm just as forgotten as my mid-nineties blockbusters. I can't even remember my own catch phrases.

PMANVA BOX stares moodily into the box of whiskey bottles next to him.

PRETTY BOX

I'm a writer. Well, I mean, I'm going to a writer. I'm her books. But here, I'm just...nothing. I mean, what good are books that no one can read? It's like I didn't even matter to begin with. I feel so, so lost.

PRETTY BOX stares blankly at a large box of window panes next to her.

We continue with these moody staring shots for several minutes, from different perspectives. If possible, PRETTY BOX should be in only a tee-shirt and underwear for no real definable reason.

PMANVA BOX

Look, kid. We're here, and sure, life may be pointless when you're Lost in Transit, but let's make the best of it! I think I saw a karaoke box over there, and here's a big box of wigs. We could throw a party and do a series of activities that make no sense and end up with us in bed together, but since Kiersten only watches R movies edited, she'll have no idea whether or not we were actually committing adultery.

PRETTY BOX

But I'm so young and pretty! And you're so...really, really not.

PMANVA BOX

It's a movie made by old men in Hollywood. Of course you'll sleep with me.

PRETTY BOX

I think you've forgotten that this is written by a woman, and you underestimate the value of my contents. I don't. And look! Who's that?

A UPS Worker, clad in brown and walking in such a way that we know he feels shame for his company's massive, massive failure, searches through the boxes for PRETTY BOX.

PMANVA BOX leans in and whispers something unintelligible to PRETTY BOX.

PRETTY BOX

What??

PMANVA BOX leans in and whispers it again.

PRETTY BOX

You need to talk louder, I can't hear you!

PMANVA BOX, shouting his annoyance

BUT IF EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT I SAY HERE, THERE IS NO MYSTERY AND NO OSCAR FOR BEING A POINTLESS MOVIE ABOUT POINTLESS PEOPLE DOING POINTLESS THINGS!

PRETTY BOX

JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU FREAKING SAID!!

UPS Man reaches down and, well aware of just how important PRETTY BOX is, cradles her gently and brings her out into the brilliant sunshine, leaving PMANVA BOX alone in the middle of the floor.

PMANVA BOX whispers something else unintelligible, but nobody cares, because they are so happy that PRETTY BOX is finally going to find her way home to Kiersten.

THE END

(What can I say, I like happy endings. Did you hear that, UPS? I'D LIKE MY HAPPY ENDING.)

17 comments:

Debbie Barr said...

If you haven't seen this video, you should! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFicqklGuB0

Kiersten White said...

Except the Award Winning Movie Trailer TOTALLY FORGOT super-hot actress in heavy makeup to make her ugly because no actually plain actresses exist.

Lisa said...

This cracks me up. I hope your pretty books arrive soon. I bet they will be sparkling a bit. I bet you will hug them and dance around the room with them. Insert some cheesy love music as you're reunited! Ha! At last that's what I would do! =)

Stephanie Perkins said...

Aw, poor pretty box. It will be home SOON!!

And . . . no adultery with Scarlett in the movie. Bill Murray's character DOES cheat on his wife, but with a woman his own age. ;)

Claire Dawn said...

Man, I love your screenplays!

Good luck on the ARCs :)

Angie said...

I laughed, I cried, I egged the local UPS depot in effigy. Everything I want from a movie.

Kayeleen said...

This is totally a movie with many tissues being used. I'm a sucker for the happy ending after tragedy. I always cry. I hope you get your happy ending soon.

Andrea Cremer said...

Two thumbs up!

UPS gets two thumbs down.

sraasch said...

Yay UPS man to the rescue!

Kristan said...

"It's a movie made by old men in Hollywood. Of course you'll sleep with me."

LOL!

You are too cute. I'm sorry about the UPS fiasco, but kinda glad it led to this spoof. And seriously, I liked LiT, but ultimately you're right: pointless movie about pointless people. I think their point -- irony! -- was that that's life? But of course, not everyone believes that.

Dominique said...

Well, I hope you get your happy ending soon, dearie. :)

Megs said...

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! WHERE HAVE I BEEN! COVERS AND ARCS?!?!!!!!

totally awesome.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

ok. I'm good. I'm over it.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M READING ABOUT IT A WEEK LATE (or something like that; what date is it anyway?!?). So, although belated, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :)

Liz Czukas said...

I hope Pretty Box finds her way home. *sniff, sniff*

Is the Academy aware of this screenplay--it's brilliant.

- Liz

lora96 said...

Jeff Bridges would be a perfect bit of casting for PMANVA Box. He just won the Oscar for a similar role. I love this script it's hilarious and I hope Pretty Box gets her happy ending!

Anita Saxena said...

You are too funny. I hope your box finds you soon.

Claire Dawn said...

Left you the "Creative Writer Award" on my blog. For this one, you post 6 lies and 1 truth and readers try to guess the truth. :)

Rebecca said...

I sympathize!

UPS just lost a package of Threadless t-shirts (the largest purchase I have made in MONTHS!), and now they're telling me that it's not their fault - go check with Threadless!

*Gnashes teeth!*

Anyway, it's certainly not on the same scale as your lost ARCs, but still - a little bit of the same insanity.