Query Week: Critique One

In continuing with query week, I've asked a few brave volunteers if they wanted me to critique their query on the blog. And really, this takes guts. I'm certainly no Evil Editor (and I always, always recommend you run a query by him--it's free, he's insightful, what's not to like?), but it's scary to put yourself and your writing out there.

So, a big hand and supportive cheer for Kristan, our first intrepid querier.

(For non-writer readers, a query is the letter that you write about your book to try and get an agent to read it so that they'll want to represent it. Unless you go with a small publisher, you really can't get your stuff read without an agent. Agents do many other things as well, such as encouraging addictions to Tootsie Rolls and listening to your crazy ramblings on the phone so you can figure out how to fix the problems with your newest manuscript. Agents are wonderful.)

With no further ado:

Dear Ms. Agent,

I am seeking representation for my episodic chick lit novel TWENTY-SOMEWHERE. This unconventional manuscript recently won a contest with St. Martin’s Press, and the full is being considered for publication by editor Dan Weiss.

Okay, I think this is good. You have editor interest--it's not the same as if an editor has made an offer, but it shows the agent that there's something there an actual editor wanted to see more of. So definitely worth mentioning. I'm not sure about the phrase "episodic chick lit," though. "Episodic" combined with "unconventional" makes it sound almost like you're making excuses for your manuscript. I'd take out "unconventional" entirely, and would probably remove "episodic" as well, since it isn't necessary.

Originally written for the web, TWENTY-SOMEWHERE tells the story of three best friends as they navigate life after college. Beautiful and confident Sophie, goody goody aspiring writer Claudia, and boy-crazy nerd MJ are ready to take on the Real World — or so they think. But as relationships go sour, careers sputter, and ethical dilemmas arise, the girls must turn to the one thing they can always count on: their friendship with each other. And even that may not stand up to the test.

First things first, take out "Originally written for the web." It doesn't do anything to spark interest, and may make an agent wary that TWENTY-SOMEWHERE has already been published online. Also, Real World in caps gave me pause--are you talking about the reality show? I don't think you are, but you might want to remove the caps. I understand what you were trying to do stylistically, and it would work if it weren't for that stupid, stupid show.

And here's where we get to the real issue with Kristan's query. It's snappy, it's clearly written, and the writing is all good--but it doesn't tell us anything about the book. We've got three main characters, and I like their descriptions, but everything else is just generalities about what happens next. In order to hook an agent, we need specifics. We need a reason to care about these three girls and whether or not their friendship lasts.

I know you worry about going too long in a query, but this is a perfect example of one that needs more. In general, keep your query between 250-350 words. Kristan, you've got a lot of wiggle room here. I want to see details--I want to see plot! You've proven you can write a short, coherent query. Now give us some actual details so that we can see you can write an interesting novel along with a short query.

In 2007 I graduated from Carnegie Mellon University with a B.A. in Creative Writing, and I’m now a copywriter/receptionist at a design firm in Cincinnati. I also attended the Kenyon Review Writers Workshop last June.

Good. A Creative Writing degree isn't a must (for anyone who's panicking, you don't have to say anything about a degree or lack thereof), but it certainly helps. And if you don't have any publications, what Kristan did is great--she's showing that she's committed enough to writing to pay for and attend writing workshops.

If you’re interested, I would be happy to send you either a partial or the full manuscript of TWENTY-SOMEWHERE. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

With warm regards,
Kristan

So, to sum up: Kristan's writing is grammatically correct and reads great. It's professional, it's clear she's done her research, and it's clear she knows how to write. She's well on her way to an excellent query. We just need more! Make your story stand out and grab an agent's attention. You have 250-350 words. Use as many as you can--don't sacrifice details that will make us care in the name of brevity. Your plot should be boiled down to its essence, but that essence still needs flavor!

Wow. That was, like, the cheesiest analogy ever. I should do this professionally.

Thank you to Kristan for being such a good sport. I wouldn't have used her query if I didn't think it's already good and can be great!