LOST: The Lost Episode

I’ve got a secret. I’ve had to sit on this news for a long time, but I finally got the go-ahead to let you all know about it.

Are you ready?

I WROTE AN EPISODE OF LOST! Yeah!

When JJ Abrams called me up I couldn’t believe it. Especially after I stayed faithful to Joss but kinda broke up with some of JJ’s shows. But that’s all water under the bridge. “Kiki,” he said, to which I responded, “Please never call me that again.” “Kiersten,” he corrected, “you’ve been a loyal watcher of LOST since you ordered the first two seasons on DVD to stay sane when Dojo was a newborn and never, ever slept. You know every plot thread, every tiny, insignificant side character, every single plot element chosen by our specially trained monkeys throwing darts at a poster board. And so, since this is the last season, I wanted to let you write an episode!”

Of course I said yes. I give you:

LOST: SEASON SIX: EPISODE X

By Kiersten White

EXT. RANDOM STRETCH OF DENSE JUNGLE. Exhausted and sweaty Losties SAWYER and KATE come hacking through the jungle.

KATE

Where are we going again?

SAWYER

Heck if I know, Freckles. All I know is, we’re contractually obligated to spend a certain portion of every episode trekking stolidly through this gosh-forsaken jungle. So here we are, sweating, because that’s what we do on this show.

KATE

I meant, where are we going in our relationship?

SAWYER

Golldernit, I don’t know, woman! First they wanted you with Jack, then with me, then with Jack, then I was with that blond chick with the freaky cleavage, but now she’s dead and we might be too, and even if I could figure out what in the blue blazes is going on, I think the fans’d rather see me and Jack get together than you get a happy ending.

KATE

I suppose I’m rather tired of my storylines, too.

SAWYER

Ain’t it the truth, Sweetheart.

CUT TO ANOTHER SECTION OF THE JUNGLE, having provided no resolution on the Kate/Sawyer situation, and even if they had gotten together, you’d know they secretly wanted to be with someone else. Unless they don’t actually get together, in which case they want to be with each other.

This section of the jungle contains RANDOM HUGE STONE POLAR BEAR STATUE WITH INEXPLICABLE HYROGLIPHICS COVERING THE WHOLE THING. ALSO, THE POLAR BEAR HAS ONLY FOUR TOES.

SAYID

All I’m saying is, it’s been several episodes and I’ve yet to lose another girlfriend in a horribly violent manner.

HURLEY

Dude, you just got shot!

SAYID

Yes, but I am a stalwart torturer. You can only hurt me by killing the women who bring out my tender, nurturing side. Now I am a bitter shell of my former self, tricked into working for Benjamin Linus.

BEN

Did someone say my name?

HURLEY

Are you here to give us some answers?

BEN

No. I’m going to tell you that I’m going to give you some answers, at which point you will not demand said answers, but will instead blindly agree to follow me through the jungle to obtain those answers knowing full well I'm either manipulating you or leading you to your deaths. And now we will have several seconds of intense eye contact.

SAYID

. . .

BEN

. . .

HURLEY

Wait, do I get to have intense eye contact to this swelling, ominous music, too?

SAYID

No, because you are the comic relief, and any storyline you are ever given that’s at all interesting dead ends because the actresses are killed off from the show for drunk driving.

HURLEY

Alright. Come on, let’s go on our trek in which no answers will ever be given, but we might find another question!

SAYID

One can only hope. Also, maybe some ghostly visitations so I can see some of my hot dead girlfriends.

LOCKE

Did someone call for a ghostly visitation and some inane mumbo jumbo that doesn’t explain anything?

LOCKE smiles creepily.

CUT TO INTERIOR OF BROKEN DOWN HOUSE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN EXPLAINED AND WILL NEVER BE EXPLAINED. JACK is angrily throwing dishes, smashing everything in sight. Finally, overcome with emotion, he falls to his knees in front of GIANT STUFFED POLAR BEAR.

JACK, crying

Why am I crying again? Why do I cry in every single episode? Don’t they know I want to pursue a career in movies? And still they have me break down like a little girl at every single emotional provocation! Sure, I can turn on the waterworks like nobody’s business, but I’m not a one-trick pony! And where the crap is my dead dad?

CUT TO EXT. JUNGLE. No one is in the shot, but we can hear a ghostly shout echoing through the trees.

GHOSTLY SHOUT

WALT! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

CUT TO DARK CAVE OVERLOOKING THE OCEAN. A small child in ragged clothing stares calmly out at the waves. He pulls out a stone tablet with dozens of things crossed out. Picking up a rock, he slowly crosses out three more items:

EGGS

MILK

BREAD

CUT TO ANOTHER DARK CAVE OVERLOOKING THE OCEAN. Some character who was previously dead stands, looking calmly out over the waves. Behind him we can just see the names of all of the characters on the island, most of whom we’ve already forgotten or wish we could. Nearly all of them are crossed out except BOONE, which has little hearts drawn around it.

IAN SOMMERHOLDER stands in the trees overlooking all of the chaos, and smiles.

BOONE

I’m back. And now? I’m a VAMPIRE.

THE END