Thursday, February 25, 2010

LOST: The Lost Episode

I’ve got a secret. I’ve had to sit on this news for a long time, but I finally got the go-ahead to let you all know about it.
Are you ready?
When JJ Abrams called me up I couldn’t believe it. Especially after I stayed faithful to Joss but kinda broke up with some of JJ’s shows. But that’s all water under the bridge. “Kiki,” he said, to which I responded, “Please never call me that again.” “Kiersten,” he corrected, “you’ve been a loyal watcher of LOST since you ordered the first two seasons on DVD to stay sane when Dojo was a newborn and never, ever slept. You know every plot thread, every tiny, insignificant side character, every single plot element chosen by our specially trained monkeys throwing darts at a poster board. And so, since this is the last season, I wanted to let you write an episode!”
Of course I said yes. I give you:
By Kiersten White
EXT. RANDOM STRETCH OF DENSE JUNGLE. Exhausted and sweaty Losties SAWYER and KATE come hacking through the jungle.
Where are we going again?
Heck if I know, Freckles. All I know is, we’re contractually obligated to spend a certain portion of every episode trekking stolidly through this gosh-forsaken jungle. So here we are, sweating, because that’s what we do on this show.
I meant, where are we going in our relationship?
Golldernit, I don’t know, woman! First they wanted you with Jack, then with me, then with Jack, then I was with that blond chick with the freaky cleavage, but now she’s dead and we might be too, and even if I could figure out what in the blue blazes is going on, I think the fans’d rather see me and Jack get together than you get a happy ending.
I suppose I’m rather tired of my storylines, too.
Ain’t it the truth, Sweetheart.
CUT TO ANOTHER SECTION OF THE JUNGLE, having provided no resolution on the Kate/Sawyer situation, and even if they had gotten together, you’d know they secretly wanted to be with someone else. Unless they don’t actually get together, in which case they want to be with each other.
All I’m saying is, it’s been several episodes and I’ve yet to lose another girlfriend in a horribly violent manner.
Dude, you just got shot!
Yes, but I am a stalwart torturer. You can only hurt me by killing the women who bring out my tender, nurturing side. Now I am a bitter shell of my former self, tricked into working for Benjamin Linus.
Did someone say my name?
Are you here to give us some answers?
No. I’m going to tell you that I’m going to give you some answers, at which point you will not demand said answers, but will instead blindly agree to follow me through the jungle to obtain those answers knowing full well I'm either manipulating you or leading you to your deaths. And now we will have several seconds of intense eye contact.
. . .
. . .
Wait, do I get to have intense eye contact to this swelling, ominous music, too?
No, because you are the comic relief, and any storyline you are ever given that’s at all interesting dead ends because the actresses are killed off from the show for drunk driving.
Alright. Come on, let’s go on our trek in which no answers will ever be given, but we might find another question!
One can only hope. Also, maybe some ghostly visitations so I can see some of my hot dead girlfriends.
Did someone call for a ghostly visitation and some inane mumbo jumbo that doesn’t explain anything?
LOCKE smiles creepily.
CUT TO INTERIOR OF BROKEN DOWN HOUSE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN EXPLAINED AND WILL NEVER BE EXPLAINED. JACK is angrily throwing dishes, smashing everything in sight. Finally, overcome with emotion, he falls to his knees in front of GIANT STUFFED POLAR BEAR.
JACK, crying
Why am I crying again? Why do I cry in every single episode? Don’t they know I want to pursue a career in movies? And still they have me break down like a little girl at every single emotional provocation! Sure, I can turn on the waterworks like nobody’s business, but I’m not a one-trick pony! And where the crap is my dead dad?
CUT TO EXT. JUNGLE. No one is in the shot, but we can hear a ghostly shout echoing through the trees.
CUT TO DARK CAVE OVERLOOKING THE OCEAN. A small child in ragged clothing stares calmly out at the waves. He pulls out a stone tablet with dozens of things crossed out. Picking up a rock, he slowly crosses out three more items:
CUT TO ANOTHER DARK CAVE OVERLOOKING THE OCEAN. Some character who was previously dead stands, looking calmly out over the waves. Behind him we can just see the names of all of the characters on the island, most of whom we’ve already forgotten or wish we could. Nearly all of them are crossed out except BOONE, which has little hearts drawn around it.
IAN SOMMERHOLDER stands in the trees overlooking all of the chaos, and smiles.
I’m back. And now? I’m a VAMPIRE.


Noelle Nolan said...

I love it! I'm a big LOST fan, but honestly, the story has to end at some point. Bringing Boone back as a vampire, NICE.

Anne Riley said...

This is friggin hilarious, Kiersten. Well done!

Lindsey Bench said...

Could you do another one tomorrow, in which you finish the series so that I can finally stop watching!?

Christi Goddard said...

But, he's not bursting into flames in the sunlight!

Or sparkling, thank the gods.

Anna said...

HA! Wow, I'm still giggling. This perfectly captures all the things I find maddening about the show, and yet I keep watching! I'll be both saddened and relieved when it's finally over.

Tina Lynn said...

Bringing back Boone! *sigh* In traditional S.A.T. fashion, I love laughing. You make me laugh. Therefore, I love you:D Wow, way to overshare, Tina:D

Kelly Bryson said...

Wow. I'm so grateful. I had come to the conclussion that I'd never get any resolution on Lost and that I'd wasted days of my life watching this show. And visiting the oceanic airways website a few years ago. And the Dharma Initiative site. Whew! Linking on FB.

And in the spirit of sharing special hidden talents, I posted a video of me tying shoelaces with my toes on my blog,

Angela said...


"I'm no one trick pony" *snarfs*

maybe genius said...

Vampires? In the LOST jungle? MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK.

Karen said...

I have a sneaking suspicion the finale isn't going to provide much more resolution than your episode.

Sigh. How is it possible to love and hate a TV show so much at the same time?

Natalie Whipple said...

That kind of made me want to watch LOST.

Sheri Larsen said...

Whoa!!!! Bring on the popcorn!

Candyland said...

Kiersten, only a grown-up could understand Lost (something I've also yet to achieve), so now I just want to be like you more when I grow up (if I ever do)

Grimmster24 said...

BOOM! Wow that was hysterical, Kiersten. It's a darn shame you won't NOT be incredibly successful with Evie (aka, you WILL ABSOLUTELY BE, in case I didn't get the double negative correct), because I think there'd be a definite future for you with scriptwriting. :-)

Andrea Cremer said...


Claire Dawn said...

Wondering if I ever told you that you're awesome.

In case I didn't:


Since I no longer live in the west I lost track of Lost. I'm kinda happy. I think most shows are good at 2 or 3 seasons, but people want to milk them until noone is watching anymore.

Beverley BevenFlorez said...

Ha ha ha! Really funny. I read out loud some of the lines to my husband. Thanks for sharing. :)

Kiersten White said...

I knew you guys would support my new career! He he he...poor Lost. I love it, and yet, I'm completely sick of it. Yay last season!

Also, Candyland, dude, how old do you think I am?? And how old are YOU?

the Lola Letters said...

Ahhhhh ha ha ha! We watch LOST obsessively as well - but that, of course, gets us nowhere! Sheesh!


Jenn Johansson said...

Wait!! I think I've seen that episode! Isn't that the one where everyone is confused and it gets more and more mysterious?! ;)

Kiersten White said...

No, Jenn, you're thinking of that episode in Season Three. And Season One. And Season Four. And Season Two. And Season Five. And Season Six, so far.

Matt said...

What everyone else said. That was awesome. I can now stop watching Lost. Except I won't.

Selestial said...

Priceless. Thank you so much for this :)

Linda G. said...

Ha! You nailed it. Actually, they could've used last season. ;)

Tere Kirkland said...

Spot on!

Thanks for the laugh!

Candice said...

That was hilarious! I just have one question, traditional, Lestat-type vampire, or sparkly, self-loathing type? Inquiring minds need more information to create a full mental picture. ;)

Caroline Starr Rose said...

Never found Juliet very interesting anyway.

Loved this!

Candyland said...

A true magician never reveals her age, though I'm sure we're roughly around the same. I'm looking "up" to you in a metaphoric sense because I'm also pretty sure I'm three times your size.(That made me sound Amazonian, which I'm not. Just big. Err, bigger-taller? You know what I mean.)

Marsha Sigman said...

I have never watched Lost...ok well except for like 5 minutes one night but I was so lost that I changed the channel. If the script had been half as awesome as this I would have continued watching.

Also, you cannot have Damon back. He is doing much better on the Vampire Diaries. He gets to bite people there, and who would tell him no? Not I.

Mireyah Wolfe said...

I've never watched LOST and I don't think I ever need to after reading this.


DAMON FTW. *drool*

(And you get really cool word verifications. "Chemurif" is mine today. O.o)

annerallen said...

I am a dedicated Lostie, and this is sheer brilliance! Walt's grocery list is coffee-out-the-nose, keyboard-killing funny.

Kristi said...

This was the BEST thing I've read all day...okay...all week...NO ALL MONTH! Ingenious! LOVED every minute of this.

moonrat said...

ok, i know absolutely nothing about Lost; i've never seen a single episode. but i did click through on all your backlinks, which brings me to my very important question:


(you wanna complain about all caps?! maybe you should ask what you did to deserve them! as if you didn't already know!)

Kiersten White said...

Look, Lunar Rat, I was saving FIREFLY to watch when I had my next baby.

Next baby? Not cooperating.

So there.

(And also I've been writing too much to watch series or read or pretty much anything.)

Heather said...

I was smiling through the whole thing, but I LOLed when the "small child in ragged clothing" started crossing off items on his grocery list. Hilarious!

lora96 said...

I found that very funny which is unexpected as I have never seen a single ep of Lost.

Patricia Stoltey said...

Kiersten, please stop by my blog at when you have time. I have an award to share with you.

Krista V. (the former Krista G.) said...

This one had me snorting about every other sentence:) My husband and I are huge fans (except for Season 3; everyone can just skip Season 3), but yeah, I'm definitely ready for the series to be over - and for some ANSWERS!

I think I'll tell said husband he needs to read this.

Scillius Maximus said...


storyqueen said...

Pretty much this isn't just ONE episode of Lost, it's EVERY episode of Lost!!


Nick said...

You know, I stopped watching when they killed off Echo (did they end up bringing him back?). I feel like the story is about where I left off! I decided Echo was my favorite character and him dying was a good excuse to take a break for a while.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

I love this -- but I am seriously obsessed with LOST, and I hear that we really are going to get a ton of answers next week.

(I know, I know. They always say that, right?!)

Megs said...

Ha ha, you captured each character's voice completely! I'm impressed. And still lost. I guess that's the point of it all, eh?

Cate said...

*chuckle* I <3 LOST. :D

Kathi Oram Peterson said...

I fell for this until the end. Sneaky, sneaky writer. I quit watching Lost two years ago. After they were rescued and then went back I "lost" interest. BUT now I see that if YOU were writing the scripts I probably would have kept watching.
Love this post!

Sharon Mayhew said...

That was awesome! You really creeped me out when Ben popped up, it was just like my reaction when he pops up on the show.

I could totally go for a hot vampire turning up on The Island...

Spectacular post!!!!!

Dangerous With a Pen said...

I have never seen Lost, but this had me giggling because from what people say, this is pretty much how I imagine it goes. :)

Ms_Blingammm said...

You just set up my Friday to be wonderful. I'm an avid LOST fan, but this was spot-on. Love it.

Dawn Hullender said...

Evidently Boone came back with Damon Salvatore's blessed ring or else he would be baking in the brisk sunlight.

Wonder if they met in the Underworld. Talk about cool.

Candice said...

I just have to tell you, I read this to my husband when he got home. He was cracking up! I almost couldn't finish reading it because he was making me laugh with his laughter (and he's not one of those people that laughs at everything).

After my first comment it occurred to me that you were talking about Vampire Diaries. A little slow on the uptake here. Anyway, great post. Best one I've read by anyone in a long time.

Melanie Avila said...

I LOVE Lost and you are fricking awesome! Please post more.

Kristin White said...


Lenore said...

I read this thinking I would be disapointed if there was no Boone...but you gave us Boone!!! God bless you!