Monday, September 28, 2009


Easton Heights
Adapted for television by Kiersten White

Although CARA, our main character, is one of the POOR GIRLS in school, her house is miraculously huge and impeccably decorated. MOM stands at the counter, making breakfast. We know she is the MOM because she is wearing an apron.

CARA comes in. MOM gives her a smile. CARA raises an eyebrow ironically.

What's with the apron? Since when do you Martha Stewart it up?

We need it as a prop to show that I am, in fact, your mom, given that I'm only 32 and you're actually 25. I hate this industry. Pancakes?

Whatever, I'm out.

MOM watches her go, a concerned look on her face to show us all that the mother-daughter relationship isn't working here, and that CARA won't let her in. In reality MOM is giving this look because she knows she will miraculously disappear from the show and only be mentioned in passing, since TEEN SHOWS are mysteriously parent-free. MOM now goes to apply moisturizer in the hopes that the next show will cast her as the TEENAGER instead of the MOM.

CARA walks down a crowded hall in which all of the students are way too good looking and in their forties. We know they are TEENS because they are wearing trendy clothes and use horribly trendy slang. As she passes DANIEL she deliberately doesn't look at him. DANIEL stares at CARA for an awkwardly long shot, with a close up view of his eyes. We know that there is some sort of HISTORY here. HISTORY that will no doubt come into play later, creating a jealous love triangle. DANIEL is wearing a football jersey so we know he is a FOOTBALL PLAYER and not a father of two in real life.

CARA stops at her locker. All of the lockers are far too nice for an actual high school, and the hall itself is brightly lit and non-scuffed up. This is television and things are SHINY. TWO GIRLS come up, each showing more cleavage than would be decent were they actually sixteen like they are pretending. One is TOKEN BLONDE, the other is PLAIN FRIEND who is still prettier than anyone we know in real life.

TOKEN BLONDE gives a frenemy smirk. Since this is a teen show, we can use lingo like frenemy.

Cara! Hi! It's been so long. I mean, what with you being in rehab and all.

CARA glares daggers while PLAIN FRIEND looks horrified and tries to smooth it over.

No one knows, it's okay.

(In future episode we will find out that CARA was not, in fact, in REHAB, but having a baby, because TEEN PREGNANCY is totally hot right now.) TOKEN BLONDE smirks and we know that everyone knows about rehab. Except...NEW HOT GUY. NEW HOT GUY (with an appropriately trendy name) walks down the hall and every single girl watches him. HOT GUY ignores all of them until he catches CARA'S eyes--and we are treated to an intense LOOK that lasts longer than any dialogue we've had so far and makes it clear that these two are DESTINED to have an awkward relationship with FORCED CHEMISTRY that will heat up when they need boosts in ratings, but in the first season will only push the limits in DREAM SEQUENCES. Also, they will break up at least once per episode. But right now this smolderingly awkward look lets us know that these two are THE COUPLE.

Who is THAT? Doesn't matter, he's going to be mine.

TOKEN BLONDE throws back her shoulders for maximum cleavagization as HOT GUY approaches. HOT GUY smiles shyly, but smolderingly, and doesn't even look at TOKEN BLONDE, who is immediately crushed and vindictive. HOT GUY only has eyes for CARA.

Hi, I'm new.

I know. I mean, just because I've never seen you before, and I'd remember anyone that HOT.

Another pause for some awkward, intense staring as PLAIN FRIEND and TOKEN BLONDE look on. PLAIN FRIEND is clearly excited by this development, because she never has plotlines of her own. TOKEN BLONDE is giving over-the-top bitter and jealous faces. She should have been cast in that role, but will camp up hers like nobody's business in the meantime.

Yeah, Cara hasn't been around for a while. She's been--

BUSY! She's been busy. At...a resort.

CARA smiles tightly, and we all feel bad for her, even though so far we haven't seen her be nice, funny, smart, or charming. But since she is the prettiest girl and is destined to be with the hottest guy, we know that we should love her and root for her. Our stomachs knot in anxiety knowing that during sweeps when CARA and HOT BOY are deeply in love he will find out and it will all go to POT for two episodes.

END SCENE with at least thirty seconds more of staring so the viewers are certain that CARA and HOT BOY have chemistry.

NOTE: Determine whether to have a) vampires, b) football players, or c) really really rich kids populate the school for added drama. Or really, really rich vampiric football players. With nice cars.

I'm pretty sure I have a hit on my hands here.

Note from Laptop: Kiersten asked if it was okay to use my signature font. I said no. You can see how highly she values my feelings.



Katie said...


Since I actually do write screenplays, I thought, "Huh, Kiersten is branching out. Cool!"

And then I started to read, only to discover more of your hilarity (which I am already slightly aware of from your cute tweets.)

GREAT POST! I almost want to link to it from my blog cuz I'm too tired to actually post... *sigh.

Kiersten White said...

Ha, thanks, Katie : )

Natalie Whipple said...

Bravo! That was PERFECT. There better be another episode, because I'm on the edge of my seat.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Got me hooked. I can't wait to find out what happens next. Oh and I hate TOKEN BLONDE. Ugh! She's so, um, can we say Grody here? Not current enough - right? Darn.


L. T. Host said...

Hey, you've been watching a certain new vampire show too, huh?

Hilarious :)

Kiersten White said...

...I don't know what you're talking about, L. T. Really. ; ) Okay, okay, it's my new favorite show.

Natalie and Sarah, we'll have to see what our numbers look like to see whether or not we get a full-season pick up.

Mariah Irvin said...

Dude, that's sick.

(Just thought I would compliment your work and add some teenage slang at the same time)

Carrie Harris said...

And you called it Easton Heights.


Novice Writer Anonymous said...

LOL This was great.

And if Bones wasn't on at the same time as VD I'd watch it.

Frankie Diane Mallis said...

LOL that was hilarious and almost identical to the Vampire Diaries pilot! Awesome!

Renee Collins said...

Dude, I totally saw this episode last week. Had me in hysterics! :)

fairyhedgehog said...

This is totally hot. I hope you've got a TV station in mind to send it to because I'm totally looking forward to watching it.

Nick said...

I knew you were already writing for WB, or CW now I guess.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Oh. If we're going for sick, then this is disgusting and stupid!

Anita Saxena said...

OMG! Mega LOL!

Emilee said...

Oh, you'll definitely get a three season contract.

I think it needs more staring though...

Lisa said...


And I immediately thought of The Vampire Diaries. Because that's pretty much how that show is. And 90210. And anything else about teenagers, it seems. It's not like the old days! But I still love it.

Dawson's Creek had parents!

And thee most realistic television show about high school had to be My So-Called Life. The lockers looked a mess. The parents had plot lines of their own, as well as the friends. And Jordan C. was way hotter than any other love interest these days. I loved that show. But what do you get when you are too realistic? Canceled after one season. Boo.

I also write screenplays. They are fun.

Jessie Oliveros said...

Kiersten, this was so funny. I want more installments.

Marsha Sigman said...

This is definitely must-see-tv.ha

Since we are admitting to our new obsession with the Vampire I the only one that thinks the evil brother is the hot one?

Natalie Whipple said...

Marsha, Damon is SO the hot one! And he's also the only non-flat character. (The actor is also THIRTY in real life, hehe.)

Patti said...

Hysterical because it's all true and could apply to any teen show out there. Bring back Buffy.

The Blogger Girlz said...

OMG, This post rocks! Is this really part of a screenplay your writing or is it part of a new book or something? Cuz I LOVE it! Can't wait to read more! Your posts make my day! :)


Kiersten White said...

Ella--This was just for fun : ) Thanks!

Also, yes, Damon is definitely interesting, you can tell the actor is having so much fun with it.

Nadine said...

LOL - Nice!! Brought a smile to my face and totally took me back to my days of watching 90210.

Larissa said...

I have missed Vamp Diaries because of Bones (Seriously, you can't expect me to abandon David Boreanaz for an unknown).

Regardless, I LOVED this, and hope you write more!

Hey - If you keep this up, I won't have to watch, right? LOL.

BTW - LOVE the term "cleavagization." That's a new level of awesome right there, Kiersten.

moonrat said...


this was smolderingly awkward!!!

Marsha Sigman said...

Natalie, I am so glad I'm not the only one that thinks that!ha

I also feel slightly less cougarish as I watch him now, knowing that he is thirty.

Lora said...

Kiersten, this was a riot!! I love it!

And I don't even watch Vampire Diaries so I just find you comparisons needed :)

Plus this underscores my belief that I could turn my first novel into a hot property if I changed the main character into a vampire who finds a secret code on her tour of duty in Afghanistan and then saves the world while falling in love with her pseudo-enemy, an emo werewolf trying to put on a musical at his college....

Donna Gambale said...

Adding to the chorus of awesome. My favorite line: "This is television and things are SHINY." Love the all-caps SHINY. Bahaha I'll be thinking of this during the next episode of Vampire Diaries.

Laur and Dev said...

I already saw this episode last week on one tree hill, gossip girl, melrose place, 90210, and vampire diaries. I guess you could write for The CW, but it seems they don't really need your help...they've got it managed pretty well.

Laur and Dev said...

ps. this was really, really funny :)

Wendy said...

I had such a laugh when I read this earlier. I almost fall over with shock when a teen is played by someone without full stubble or who has an actual breakout. Actually I'm not sure I have seen one where someone had an actual breakout.

Peggy said...

Hahaha! My favorite part was the usage of the word cleavagization.

I think I'm going to go try out TOKEN BLONDE's trick of throwing back her shoulders for maximum cleavagization on my own husband / father of three. No, scratch "father of three." I meant Teenage heartthrob.

Thanks. That pretty much rocked the house.

Liam said...

A) I really need to start watching "unknown vap show"

B) Is this a stab at teen pregnancy or just a whatever kinda moment?

C) Should I be scared?

Andrea Cremer said...

Kiersten, you are my hero.

Kiersten White said...

Liam, the teen pregnancy aspect is my frustration with television's latest trend of glorifying and romanticizing teen pregnancy. Good heavens, when something like that becomes trendy? It's just wrong.

And thanks, all : ) I'm so glad you got a kick out of this!

Whirlochre said...

Let me know when it's ready for screening and I'll play the Mom...

Ruth said...

This is AWESOME. I don't think we have Vampire Diaries in New Zealand yet, but no comparison is needed - it's all still so true for any teen sitcom! Very, VERY nicely done.

...I kinda want to watch the pilot of VD now. Not cos I want to actually watch the show, but to compare it to this post and point'n'laugh at VD :P

Marybeth Poppins said...

How true is all this! But don't forget to add in the new Musical Numbers where all the cheerleaders take off half their clothes and dance while PLAIN GIRL sobs about her boring life and how no one notices her! :)

Valerie said...

LOVE it! Looks like you've been checking out some screenwriting books! What's sad is how much I can see this being picked up by a network. Um, I mean, it's FABULOUS! Who wouldn't want to watch?

My fave part was where the mom is 32 and the daughter is 25. SO true!

patdwhite said...

you are so dang funny and RIGHT ON THE MONEY!!!
I love you TONZ!!!!!!!!

Lindsey Bench said...

I'm offended.

Maya / מיה said...

I totally googled "Easton Heights" to figure out if it was real.

Maya / מיה said...

btw, this was really funny. And I love the desperation of the 32-year-old actors playing the parents of 25-year-old "teenagers." So true!! I love it when that results in awkward chemistry between parents and their "children." I also think I have a screwed-up idea of what I should look like when I have teenage children.

CMOM Productions said...

...and we all still hang by a thread watching the shows repeat the pattern... lol Priceless!

Lindsey Bench said...

You've made a joke out of my life.

Rebecca T. said...

HAHAHA! How did I MISS this?! Reading all - thanks for linking on your most current post :D