Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Re: My Brain

To: Brainular Maintenance Inc
723 Frontal Lobe Lane

Cerebellum, CA

From: Kiersten White

To Whom it May Concern:

I was recently in for my 26 year check up at my local Jiffy Lobe. Although I purchased the extended warranty and was assured that my fluid levels were all normal, synapses in full working order, and that I had at least 200,000 miles left in each hemisphere before replacements were necessary, my brain has not been functioning up to par lately.

Where I should have something akin to a DSL connection, lately it's felt more like dial-up--complete with that horrible beeeeep EEEEEEEEEEEEE breee bree bree EEEEEEEEEEE noise while connecting.

Aside from far slower speeds than normal, there's also a strange weight that seems to hang around right behind my eyes, pressing down on them and making me feel dull and tired all the time. I have reason to suspect that during the routine inspection one or more tools were inadvertently left behind in my skull. I've compiled a photo illustration to demonstrate:

It's rather uncomfortable.

As this problem is vexing, I'd appreciate a prompt reply. Hopefully we can work together to get my brain back up to speed as soon as possible.



To: Kiersten White
123 Not Telling Lane
San Diego, CA

From: Brainular Maintenance Inc.

Re: Your Recent Service Complaint

Dear Ms White,

In compliance with your recent complaint we have undergone an extensive and complete inventory of all our tools and found nothing missing. With our unparalleled Jiffy Lobe service history, we feel confident in saying that our assessment was accurate at the time given and that we are completely blameless in your recent slowage issues.

If you'll check the fine print in your service agreement, you'll find that any and all problems having to do with children and related sleep-deprivation are not covered in our warranty, and anyone who knows your kids will agree with us when we say that they are the more-than-likely culprits.

Have a nice day.

The Brainular Team/Jiffy Lobe
"Happy Thinking!"


Whirlochre said...

Thanks to Girly of Whirly being up half the night testing out a variety of coughs for the forthcoming swine flu epidemic, I've had less sleep than a goat at a 24 hour petting zoo.

I'm fairly lucid at the moment, which is why I'm checking in, but for the whole of this morning, I've been completely useless and at one point considered administering external stimulation with my phone charger.

Kiersten said...

I haven't tried the phone charger...it'd fit nicely in my ear canal, I think.

Rachel said...

I recommend a nap (if your kids will play happily for 30 minutes), a brisk walk, and 3 pieces of dark chocolate!

Whirlochre said...


Oh I get it.

Carrie Harris said...

I think you ought to sic The Universe on Jiffy Lobe.

sraasch said...


Seriously, though --

No, wait. "Bahahaha" is all I got.

T. Anne said...

Babies should come with warnings attached to their pretty little pink toes; Attention- device may cause severe brain fog for the next 18 years.

Yellow Trash Diaries said...

I am at that magical crossroads where one of my children goes to school and the other still takes two hour naps. Ahhhh... Whatever writing can be done must be done in a smash-and-grab manner during that brief intermission.

Kiersten said...

YTD--Words cannot express my jealous rage. Actually, they can: I'm jealous. My three-year-old gave up napping about six months ago. I used to be able to stick my daughter on the computer playing reading games and write a chapter or two while he napped.


Blah. No breaks whatsoever.

DebraLSchubert said...

You think you've got it rough now. Just wait til they're teenagers. Talk about losing sleep and sanity...

JaneyV said...

Yesterday I was unable to string two words together that made any sense. I was telling my friend about my Hubby's all-singing-all-dancing phone and explaining that although it wasn't anywhere as good as some phones it was still quite snazzy. She kept giggling the whole time which eventually got annoying. Then she explained that it wasn't a Blueberry and you don't get faxes on phones - those new things we get are emails.


JenE said...

We may be in luck. A friend told me the other day that the fog is starting to clear now that her youngest is nearly 5. My youngest is 3, so maybe in a couple of years I'll be able to think more than one thought in a 60 second time frame.
Wow, this comment took me forever to assemble. Oh, the things to look forward to!

Rebecca Knight said...

Hehehehehehehe. As one who works in customer service, this was extra funny :P. Well played!

BJW said...

Pretty lucid letters for a fuzzy brain. Bravo. You make the rest of us sound sleepy in comparison.

Jenn Johansson said...

I know the feeling. I'm still getting up several times at night with one of my boys. The other keeps me busy all day...well, at least they split shifts. :P

~Jamie said...

You, ma'am are NUTS.

But, I totally owe you big time... so I'll allow it--just this once. Oh, what am I saying? I will allow it every day :)

Stephanie Perkins said...

Just saw my link in the side bar :)

As far as Jiffy Lobe is concerned, this is why I've switched to an independent company. Those corporate giants get you with the fine print every time. I don't even have kids, and I'm totally covered for children-related sleep-deprivation! (It comes in handy after visiting the Baby Troll.)

Kiersten said...

Why didn't I talk to you earlier, Steph?!?

(Also, bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha.)

(Also, I've enjoyed everyone else's comments, too, he he...)