My New Career

With the economic crunch, I've had less freelance work and am trying to think of ways to bring in some extra income. I've been researching, and one area that's been hit hard by the recession is the wedding industry. People just aren't willing to spend like they used to.

Perfect!

I'm marketing myself as an extreme low-budget wedding planner. Here are my first plans for the thrifty, wise consumer couple.

Option One: Thanksgiving for Love

Date: Thanksgiving Weekend

Pros: Easy entertainment for visiting family if they like football and parades

Cons: November is not a typically romantic month; moderately high construction paper costs

Theme: Giving Thanks for Our Hot, Hot Love

Groom would be in an old-fashioned tux, dark brown or navy blue, preferably one made out of velvet. Or corduroy, depending on which he prefers. He'll also have one of those top-hats with the buckles on the front, and square-toed shoes that go up past his ankles, with white stockings coming up to his calves and the pants tucked in.

Bride's dress will have puffy sleeves that go down to her wrists. It will also have a detachable apron for the front (which can double for honeymoon lingerie, saving even more money). She'd sport one of those cheery, poofy bonnets, which cuts costs on a hairdresser.

Guests will be handed pilgrim outfits upon entering the ceremony. These are easily made out of brown paper bags with holes cut for the head and arms, and magic marker details. Folded paper hats will complete their ensembles.

Colors: Orange, brown, and mustard yellow

Flowers: No need for flowers--Bride will carry a cornucopia filled with plastic fruit and vegetables.

Decor: With the help of my kids and the local kindergartens, I can make THOUSANDS of those little hand-turkeys with colored tails. Also, we would hire some actors to impersonate Native Americans. No need for authenticity--headbands with paper feathers attached should suffice.

Food for the reception: Turkey, stuffing, cranberries, and mini-pumpkin pies. Plus, you'll have tons of leftovers with which to make turkey sandwiches and soup until you want to vomit.

Entertainment during the reception: Pilgrim style dancing and music. Will require further research to determine if, in fact, pilgrims danced. If not, scripture study and prayer can replace the dancing. Also, a turkey bowl, which would be fun AND provide extra things to eat if we run low.


Option Two: We're so in Love, It's SCARY

Date: October 31st

Pros: What is more fun than costumes?

Cons: People may confuse it for a haunted house (in which case we could charge them admission, which will nicely offset the cost of renting a reception site)

Theme: Our Love Will Never Die

Bride will, of course, be a dead bride. Her dress will be artfully ripped and smeared with mud and red dye. Dress can be purchased at a thrift shop, since an out-of-date style will go even better. For her makeup, we'll do blood-red lips with a little bit dripping down the side, dark circles around her eyes, and base to make her look paler. We'll also rat up her hair, but in a cute way. The groom is a zombie. We may lose the deposit on the tux after we rip the pants legs off, though. Also, groom must be comfortable wearing makeup to zombify his look.

Colors: Orange and black with purple accents

Flowers: HUGE money saver here, since Bride will carry a spooky bouquet of dead flowers.

Decor: The entire reception will be decked out in orange and black streamers, and I'll start making construction paper* pumpkins, ghosts, and ghouls now. Also, we'll have the entire thing lit by black lights, which will hide any decorating flaws and make Bride's dress look AWESOME. The centerpieces will be jackolanterns.

Food for the reception: Huge bowls of candy and apple cider with dry ice so that it's all spooky and smokey. Instead of the traditional cutting the cake, bride and groom will bob for the same apple, which will be totally hot.

Entertainment: The line will be like trick-or-treating, with the wedding party handing candy to people instead of shaking hands. Also, at the end of the night, the entire group will perform a choreographed version of Thriller (also doubles as a tribute to Michael Jackson, which I think is a really lovely touch). Plus, since EVERYONE will be required to come in costume, when it's over the whole group can go out trick-or-treating together. Because that's what everyone wants to do on their wedding night, right?


Thanks to my business partner, my dad, we also have some working ideas with homeless shelters (hello, free food!) and a Sound of Music theme (outdoors in the hills = alive with music AND free). I can't wait to make wedding dreams reality. Forget writing; this is clearly my true calling in life.

*You may notice that construction paper features heavily in nearly all of my plans. I've got a long, very successful history of decorating with construction paper, including making a cheery fire place entirely out of the stuff when Hot Stuff and I were newly weds. If the wedding planning doesn't pan out, I may market myself as a low-cost interior decorator. You'd be AMAZED at what you can do with a forty-pack of paper, some scissors, and a little glue.