A Haunting in San Diego

Many years ago when we actually had cable of any sort, Hot Stuff and I used to enjoy the Discovery Channel programming on hauntings. Mostly because the stories and reenactments were hilarious. Gee, let's see...you've just gotten remarried and mixed two families, moved to a new home, and gotten pregnant. Why on earth would one of your children suddenly be "hearing things" and waking up upset in the middle of the night? Is it a plea for attention? No, it's...

Ghosts!

Or, after months of hearing things and having weird lights dance in front of your eyes you realize that one of the gas pipes wasn't properly connected and has been leaking poison into your home the entire time. Natural conclusion?

Ghosts!

Not that, you know, the gas was affecting you and causing you to hallucinate or anything. No, no, of course not. The ghosts were, in fact, warning you about the gas!

Or, after remarrying, your husband not only has to adjust to having four kids that aren't his, he also has to try and help you remodel an absolutely trashed home, and on top of all of that loses his job. So, constantly losing his temper and staying up all hours of the night to play the organ isn't, in fact, evidence of a nervous breakdown. No, it's...

Ghosts!

Anyway, we've recently rediscovered the joy of narration and cheesy reenactments of ghostly events thanks to DVD sets. So I thought I'd give my life the same treatment. I give you

A Haunting: Madness Descends
The Story of Kiersten White

[Images of extreme close-ups on blurry mouths laughing, fingers typing inhumanely fast, and a woman with crazed eyes flash across the screen, followed by the title.]

[Outdoor shots of an idyllic location, good looking young man and woman getting out of a car and smiling lovingly at one another.]

Narrator, in a deep voice laced with overdramatic menace:

Hot Stuff and Kiersten had enjoyed a perfect couple of years of marriage together. Now, with their young baby, they were excited to finally move into an apartment of their own.

Little did they know what horrors awaited them there...

[Cut to an interview with Kiersten, now incredibly old and looking nothing like the pretty young actor playing her for the reenactments.]

Well, it all started around the time we had our second child, Dojo. Suddenly none of us could sleep anymore.

[Images of all of the family members tossing and turning in bed.]

Everywhere I went I was haunted by the sound of a baby screaming.

[Fast forward a couple of years, because it kind of drags at this point, with them consulting books and trying to figure out how to get rid of the ghostly presences making their kids colicky and vomity.]

[Interview with Hot Stuff who, while older, is far better looking than the actor portraying him.]

It was around this time that a strange change took place in Kiersten. She'd sit down with the laptop and just...disappear. For hours on end, her fingers running over the keyboard inhumanely fast. It was like she was possessed or something.

[Footage of the Kiersten actress, looking increasingly manic as she types furiously on the laptop. Hot Stuff tries to lure her away but she just shakes her head, muttering something about needing to finish.]

[Interview with Kiersten.]

That was such a strange time. Everywhere I went there were little pudgy hands, tugging on me, pulling me, whining...but I never knew what they wanted!

[Footage of Kiersten actress swatting at invisible hands, screaming, "What do you want me to do!?! Just give me a moment's peace, please!" Later, Kiersten weeping on the couch, a confused Hot Stuff helplessly patting her on the back. "I just don't know how much more I can take!"]

Interview Kiersten: I couldn't even get away from them at night. Phantom cries would wake me up at all hours. There was no rest, no peace. Messes I had just cleaned up mysteriously reappeared. Things vanished, lost without a trace. The dishes multiplied in the sink.

Narrator: The family tried everything, even consulting some well-known local parapsychologists.

[Footage of goofily-dressed people wandering the apartment with strange devices, shaking their heads and giving each other concerned looks while Kiersten and Hot Stuff look on in a mixture of worry and skepticism.]

Nothing worked.

Kiersten: That's why I turned to writing. Sure, Hot Stuff thought I was going crazy at first, and maybe I was a little possessed, but really it was the only thing keeping me sane. Eventually Hot Stuff became my biggest supporter.

Narrator, voicing over footage of the family growing happier and then moving out of the apartment:

Gradually things got better for the family. The fiendish creatures plaguing Kiersten matured, went to school. They were even able to move out of their apartment. Things were finally better.

Until...

[Shot of actress Kiersten, looking down at a pregnancy test. "Ah, crap."]

Roll credits.


(Note: This is NOT an announcement. I am not pregnant. If I were pregnant, my reaction would not be ah, crap. It would be, about freaking time!)