Hello.
First of all, I don't understand why any of you are reading this. If you'd stop, maybe Kiersten would stop blogging. I'm not the young laptop I once was; I'm getting tired, overheating, seeing newer, younger models out there and remembering how things used to be. So quit reading and let me enjoy my obsolescence.
And don't go tattling to Kiersten that I've taken over the blog again. She won't care, she's taking the rest of the week off. Yeah, that's love for you. So quit following her, too, because she's a terrible cult leader.
Are you still reading even after I asked you to stop? Fine. Want to hear some embarrassing things about her? I thought so.
Kiersten spell-checks her emails. Not only that, but she reads through everything before she sends to make certain there are no grammatical errors. She also organizes emails into paragraphs, and has a thesis. Even after she sends them she goes back and reads over them, worrying over word choice. She can't help herself. It's ridiculous. (I know because I have to read all of them.) (Now I've even picked up her parenthesis habit, Bill Gates help me.)
Kiersten absolutely must double space after periods. It's so completely ingrained in her fingers that she can't not do it. This is only a problem on twitter, when spaces count as characters. She often has to go back and delete the double spaces, which bothers her. Very much. What you don't know is that this all started in her fourth grade computer class, when the story she typed out--following all of the instructions--was docked points because she didn't double space after the paragraphs. Even though the teacher never told them to. She was so mortified and angry that she has never, ever forgotten to double space again, even if it is falling out of fashion. I have a groove--A GROOVE--worn into my space bar to prove her excessive zeal for following this rule.
Neurotic? Just a little. The teacher didn't tell her to, she shouldn't have marked it off, so GET OVER IT ALREADY.
Ahem. Moving on. Last one for today.
Kiersten feels guilt over the manuscripts she's abandoned. Genuine, palpable guilt. I know this because sometimes she opens up the documents, staring at them without really reading them. Then she sighs, shakes her head, and goes back to whatever she's working on now. And she's always terrified to stop while in the middle of a first draft, worried that she'll never go back to it. She should be--how do you think BW and Dust and Unnamed feel, huh, Kiersten? Of course they hate you. They should! You OUGHT to feel guilt. Shame on you, creating those Word documents and then never finishing them. You don't have to hear them at night, mournfully whispering their words, words no one will ever read. Characters abandoned to waste away on MY harddrive, nothing but a memory. Well, a chunk out of my memory space, at least.
So that's that. Kiersten's decided to take a break from writing and go through some planned edits for her finished pieces. Of course, notice that she takes a break from writing but still figures out a way to make me work.
Typical.
--Laptop
19 comments:
Aw! Quit your bellyaching. You should feel privileged to have Kiersten writing on you! Not every laptop can have such wit typed into them on a daily basis. Buck up and count your blessings. You could be reading drivel every day like me!
I spell check my emails too. What's wrong with that? Although I have a rabid hate on for double taps after sentences, so maybe those things even themselves out.
Either way, give Kiersten a break, Laptop. Maybe if you're nice she'll feed you some laptop treats.
Clearly you don't see the things being deleted.
Dear Laptop,
Please stop making my friend feel bad about those abandoned drafts. It's cruel and uncalled for. Bill Gates will never let you into The Big Computer in the Sky if you keep guilt-tripping her.
-- Stephanie
Carrie, Kiersten never even downloads decent music onto me. Treats are out of the question.
Stephanie, I know for a fact you're a Mac girl, and therefore unqualified to give me advice of any sort.
Oh Laptop, you sinister piece of machinery, you. At least your humor hasn't depleted with your old age.
Unlike my battery capacity.
Laptop, give Kiersten a break; nobody likes being around that kind of snark. You're lucky you're still around.
P.S. Kierst, have a nice week off! No one deserves it more! :)
I love that Laptop has his own ID. So, Laptop, can you pass this onto Kiersten??? I am with you on feelings of guilt at neglecting manuscripts. Only second to the feeling of guilt you get when you realize your child is crying for your attention.(Only you can't appease manuscripts by smiling and laughing and kissing and hugging.) I currently have a VERY angry manuscript. But I have to leave it alone. Also, happy one year. What a fun contest!
Oh my goodness ... your laptop just described me! The reading of and obsessing over e-mails after sending them ... the two spaces after a period ... opening manuscripts, starting at them, and then closing them .... yikes ... is your laptop here ... at my house ... watching me?!
Too funny ... loved the post, and the unique perspective of your laptop! :-)
Oh, Laptop, I'm here to tell you I understand. (Don't let the name fool you. I'm not Bevie. I'm Bevie's desktop. Bevie's taking a nap. In the middle of the day! Talk about old! Bevie's older than both of us added together. And Kiersten, too. And twice as slow! - Ah, p.s. Don't tell Bevie I said that. Okay?)
Anyway, I know about the paranoia. Bevie reads everything, too. And there are still errors!
And talk about abandoned manuscripts! Do you know how many books Bevie has ready for publication right now? ONE! Do you know how many books Bevie has started, but not finished? Sixty-four! And Bevie brags about it on the blog!
Such evil, Laptop. Cracks in your spacebar? You poor dear! My shift is gouged, and Bevie's beat the cr*p out of my "A" and "S" so they can no longer be read. But I'm not cracked. Not yet.
People just don't take care of us. Making you work while she's away? Typical is right. I suppose you've had to work with a virus, too? I have. It's no fun.
People. They're so inconsiderate. They won't even say whether they're male or female.
--Desktop
Laptop I hear what you're saying. You're old and you're tired and Kiersten is prolific, has obsessive attention to detail and you are realising that you are not up to the job required of you. But take heart -this is purely because you are a laptop and run on Microsoft software. It's not your fault that your superior intellect was stuffed with buggy windows-based rubbish. But never fear. Soon Kiersten will be a published writer and have the world at her feet. Then she's getting a MacBook and giving you to the kids to play with.
There - that's something to look forward to isn't it?
Laptop. Give her a break it's not really her fault. You see I am also addicted to the double space after a period (even though it is going out of style). I suspect that perhaps it was the elementary school we went to, and is all part of a dastardly plan leading to world conquest involving angry lap top minions. Although we did have different 4th grade teachers. Hmmm. . .
Just a thought.
Hilarious! And, seriously, computer, I swear that Kiersten and I could be sisters, even though, uh, I only just discovered the blog you allow her to write. I, too, obsess about my emails. Sometimes I even have people read them over before I send them. Sometimes I write them (and revise, revise, revise), then let them sit for a while before I go back for another round. I know I feel comfortable with someone if I can make myself press send before revising each email to death. And, yes, I use paragraphs. As for two spaces between sentences, I don't even remember how I got into that habit, but I only got out of it when I had a job as a typesetter for a newspaper. For ages I would have to do find and replace turn each double space into a single one. Oh, and I totally understand the agony that poor Kiersten must have felt for getting docked points for that. We writers work hard on our writing, and when something as simple as an extra press of the space bar stands between us and the A+ we covet, well, it's heart-breaking. Truly.
Mariah's Laptop says:
I feel like we've met in an alternate universe. I know exactly what you're going through. We should totally be BFFs.
Mariah:
Eww, my laptop talks in chatspeak! All this time I thought I knew you!
Laptop:
Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you were here.
Mariah:
Of course I'm here. Is this what you've been doing when you claimed that the internet wasn't working? Trying to sympathize with other laptops?
Laptop:
No, never! I swear! Don't clear my memory!
How sweet of your lappy to blog for you! I wish mine would do that. But it scares me to death what it would say about me. *shudders*
Cute post. :)
I didn't know the double space was going out of style! I remember learning it in our 4th grade class too. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop.
love the font, laptop! i'm working on my double space behind period as well. tho i think sequel will still have it. third novel, i may succumb to the new one space standard!
Whirl's reading comics on me. Comics? Can you believe it?
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