Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Chop It Off

Imagine with me. The beach. No one around in either direction for miles. A strong, cool breeze brings the fresh, salty smell, blowing your hair back from your face. As the sun sets, the water somehow holds the light for a few minutes, glowing with a faint radiance all its own. The sound of the waves is constant, soothing. The sand underfoot is soft and warm, countering the chill of the breeze.

Nope, dangit, my head still hurts. So much for meditation. Okay, well, I can't try the Romanian folklore method of getting rid of headaches (prohibited under doctor's orders), but here's what else I found:

1. Get a cabbage leaf and wrap it against your forehead with an ACE bandage. First, however, crumble it up and rub the juice onto your wrists and behind your ears.

Also functions as a perfume, provided your love interest REALLY likes cabbage. If you are going out, wear a flapper-style dress and use a sequined headband instead of ACE bandage. Everyone will be in awe of your fashion-foward sense of style.

2. Crumple fresh lilac leaves and hold them against your forehead for as long as needed to alleviate pain.

Guaranteed to work after three days.

3. Drink half a glass of freshly juiced potato juice.

It will take you so long to figure out how to juice a potato, you will have forgotten your head even hurts by the time you get around to drinking it. And, if you remember, the taste of the potato juice will be enough to convince you that headaches really aren't so bad, after all.

And, if all of those folk methods fail you, you can always go directly to the source of the pain and CUT YOUR HEAD OFF.

Unfortunately, I am fresh out of both guillotines and axes, and I have yet to find someone willing to help me.

I guess I'll go buy some cabbage leaves.

27 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Maybe you should try that Head On roll on heachahe medication. I've always wondered if that works.

Renee Collins said...

Yikes, mirgane are brutal. My sister gets them and they pretty much put her out of comission.

I say, go for the cabbage leaf headband. It's all about placebo, right?

fairyhedgehog said...

You are not having a good time at the moment, are you?

I wish I could help. Sending you gentle hugs.

JaneyV said...

Blogger ate my comment. It was long and witty and would have made you smile.

Basically it said "drink some water - you're very dehydrated"

But it sounded better first time round.

Whirlochre said...

You could always try that old black & white movie thing and get yourself tied to a railway line.

Alternatively — DVDs of Goldfinger, if hurled, Odd-Job style, by a trained professional, can sever heads at the atlas.

Personally, however, I've found a flapper-style dress always brings me round. It's the fabric.

Great photo, btw.

Kayleigh said...

I love reading your blog, and I admire you for putting humor into situations that don't seem that great. You've had a heck of a week, and you haven't complained once on your blog about it...you've just put a witty twist on everything.

Although it is cliche, maybe laughter really is the best medicine. :)

Hope you get feeling better!

Natalie said...

I'm putting my vote in the Head On stuff. And make a video of you rubbing it all over your head. Then see if you can get like a good reflection off it.

Kiersten said...

Kristina: I've never even heard of that, but at this point, I'd try anything. Even the cabbage.

Thanks, Renee, FH, and Janey. Yeah, it's not been fun. But I've been getting lots of help this week, so I'm pretty grateful. And Janey, eaten comments break my heart just a little every time ; )

Whirl, if you were to post a picture of yourself in a flapper-style dress, I am COMPLETELY POSITIVE my head would never hurt again.

And thanks, Kayleigh, you sweetie. Plus, I can't very well type out--booo hooo! sob! wail! moan! insert tears here! every day. That would just be boring. Besides which, crying just makes my head hurt more ; )

Kiersten said...

Oooh, Natalie, I should totally market Head-Off, using Whirl's suggestions for decapitation.

"Plagued by headaches? With our new, patented Head-Off (TM) system, you'll never have a headache again!"

Rychelle said...

if it is a migraine, i know how you feel. like crap, and a beheading is the only answer.
lock yourself in a cold dark room and pray for the guillotine.
=/
have you tried any migraine meds?
imitrex works for me.

Kiersten said...

ha! Thanks, Rychelle. I think it's just a I-lost-way-too-much-blood-and-am-way-too-tired-and-taking-too-much-ibuprofen-and-my-hormones-are-all-screwed-up-now-because-of-losing-the-pregnancy headache.

It's a pretty specific diagnosis, lol.

I actually get a lot of headaches; some of them are migraines, but imitrex never did much for me. Thanks for the suggestion though! Right now sleeping seems to be the best.

Natalie said...

Okay, do the Head-Off add, that would be hilarious. I'm sure it would really take off too. Lots of people are sick of their heads.

Ashley said...

That's too bad about the Romanian way to cure headaches. . .that is probably the most enjoyable way to get rid of them. . :)

Kiersten said...

Ha! I was wondering if anyone would catch that, Ash ; )

*MARY* said...

Acupuncture! My grandma gets it, MY WHITE GRANDMA, she says it cured her backaches.

Megs said...

Hmmm. Do you think any of them will work for curing outside headaches (I mean the noisy and unruly student kind?)

Kiersten said...

Definitely decapitation.

And Mary, I'm a little tired of needles. Yipes.

peggy said...

husband uses a clothespin on his ear. Looks stoopid as heck but he says it works. The only headaches I have are all these goofy cats with tails bluuring my screen and making me type wrong. I can't see!
Hope it gets better soon!

Never Settle said...

My sister swears by peppermint oil on the temples. A little old Chinese woman told her about that.

An icepack at the base of your skull (either lying on it or held on with the always attractive ace bandage) helps reduce the pain, but it is... well... cold!

The earlobes are a pressure point to relieve headaches near the temple region. Pinch it between the curled up index finger and thumb. It works great as a temporary relief when I have sinus headaches. (I say temporary, because the pain comes back when you let go of your earlobes.)

Most narcotic pain meds cause rebound headaches, so be careful taking those.

Sorry about your headaches. I totally understand because I get them ALL the time, too. :(

I don't know what the Romanian cure is, but if it's what I think it is... I love it (and know why it's off limits).

Never Settle said...

Rychelle, does Imitrex make you throw up? I get SERIOUS dry heaves for about 45 minutes after I take it (that's how long it takes for it to start taking the edge off the migraine). But you know, dry heaving/throwing up when you have a migraine so bad you are willing to take medicine that you know is going to make you do that... is not fun! Better than blacking out, I guess.

Sorry, Kiersten. A good massage of the head, neck and shoulders will relieve any physical tension you have that might be contributing to the headache. Hope you feel better soon.

writtenwyrdd said...

I hope it isn't a migraine. I hate those and take 3 preventative meds just to avoid them. Not fun.

If I get a migraine (which even Demerol doesn't touch) I lay in a hot tub. For me, the heat helps the headache. That and not moving even an eyelash.

Problem with that is it's boring.

Feel better soon.

writtenwyrdd said...

I'd be carefulof that Head On stuff. It's just a new twist on ingesting the drug. You can't get as measured a dose from that stuff and might over- or under-do it.

Sarah Laurenson said...

My wife says Tequila. ;-)

I always use the ice pack on the back of my neck, top of my head, wherever it hurts. But time is the only real cure I've ever found. Sometimes I take a bunch (three) of ibuprofen and go to sleep and hope that it will be gone when I wake up.

That Romanian method cures most everything. Lowers stress, raises endorphins, stimulates the, um, immune system, plus it's an aerobic workout for the heart. Who needs a gym membership?

Kiersten said...

Ha! Well, no alcohol for me. Which, many days, I think is a really good thing.

And lol on the Romanian method...here I thought I was being coy and no one would get it...

Matt said...

Aww, great. Expose your little brother to yet another euphemism.

Kiersten said...

What are you talking about? The Romanian method is dancing.

sylvia said...

It will take you so long to figure out how to juice a potato, you will have forgotten your head even hurts by the time you get around to drinking it.

Haha, I have to admit, I immediately thought "How would you juice a potato" and then read on and spluttered.

Do you want me to go take recordings at the sea to help with meditation?